So Pokemon Emerald has single-handedly robbed me of my time, life and motivation. The thrill of levelling up a Mudkip seems to outdo being constructive, doing something meaningful and having sex. What's worse is that I'm going to go and finish Pokemon FireRed in due time. Then SoulSilver. And after that I'll kill myself through excessive masturbation and crippling loneliness.
Of course, you didn't come here to read about my (depressing) life story, so I'm going to go on about something that will make no significance to you whatsoever.
So, Paul W.S Anderson. Today I read that Mr Anderson (Not to be confused with Neo) is touching up his new film about the Three Musketeers. Yes, that trio of loveable French musket-men who committed noble acts of heroism, engrained into French history like fine embroidery. It's tragic that the man who will reintroduce them to our current generation is the directorial equivilant of a chimp with a camera and an irrational fear of technology.
What is it that Mr Anderson has done to make me question his professional integrity? Well, unluckily for him I can list them with general and unquestionable ease.
1. Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Afterlife. As well as writing the 'story' for the other two.
2. Aliens versus Predator
3. A sequel to Blade Runner you probably never knew existed.
4. Mortal Kombat, though I'm fairly sure the hysterical nerds will claim that it's a film so bad it's good. To which I say no, it's just bad.
Of course, he has done other films. All of which were so silly in premise that I can't call them shit. Because if he meant for them to be as silly as they are, then he actually did something right. Example, Death Race.
What's particularly sad about Mr Anderson is the fact that he is so aware of the fact he isn't very good. When discussing Resident Evil: Afterlife with Empire, he went on to state that were his films acclaimed by critics, something would be wrong. And he probably wouldn't be making money.
I respect the man for his honesty, but the statement itself amplifies his sheer penisdom. He is the British equivilant of Michael Bay, but has an obscene amount of creative control. He writes the stories, he can contribute to scripts, he produces near enough everything he does, he's married to Milla Jovovich and insists she acts in nearly everyone of his films. Is it because he likes to be able to have sex while shooting on location? Is it because he wants to flaunt his penis extension? Or is it because he's a man capable of selling his wife's name as a means to get more audience viewers.
Of course, a fair assumption is that he stars Milla in his films because she's generally talented. Like Tim Burton and his sordid obsession with casting his wife and making her look particularly hideous in every one of his films. However, unlike Bonham-Carter, Jovovich is average. A woman whose big break in cinema was playing a mute alongside Bruce Willis. I like her, I honestly do, but her acting ability doesn't warrant her being cast by Mr Anderson in every film.
Mr Anderson is also a man who just can not argue the point of his films existence without sounding like an utter cock. For example, Death Race. Mr Anderson goes on to state that Death Race is a B-Movie, and one that the audiences will love (They didn't care). When asked 'why?', Mr Anderson calmly told them 'Spielberg achieved huge success with Jaws. A shark that goes around eating people. That's as B-movie as you get'. Unlike Mr Anderson however, Spielberg worked hard to make Jaws seriously engaging, and seriously terrifying. Where Spielberg was innovative and inventive given his limitations, Anderson threw money at his project and assumed that would be enough.
Contrary to popular belief, MONEY DOESN'T BUY YOU TALENT. Unless you hired some else to direct the film you smug Geordie tit.
Other than that, there's not much I can say about Mr Anderson without telling you to watch some of his shite- I mean films, for yourself. They're a great watch if you're drunk. and up for a laugh. And dead.
He's the poor man's Michael Bay, and Michael Bay in general is a shallow, pop-corn director. So what does that honestly say about Mr Anderson? Personally, I see it as a big fat sign that he should have taken the fucking Blue Pill.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Friday, 21 January 2011
Vote for me.
You'd think after shamelessly abusing students there would be nowhere left to turn in regards to easy targets. If you thought this you are quite simply a narrow minded fool who should stop reading this blog and go read a dictionary instead. Honestly, it's full of interesting things you probably never thought existed! For the rest of you, chances are you're keeping your mouth shut, and for those that don't speak to their computers, are keeping their minds closed. Because you can't seem to get a word in edgeways in this blog without getting a metaphorical grilling.
And a literal one too.
So today I'm going to verbally destroy politicians.
Politicians are so shit, that politicians often make jokes about how shit politicians are. Politicians are so wank, they spend their entire career pointing out how other politicians are wank. Politicians are so putrid and dire, that they don't even need me to explain how putrid and dire they all are. Chances are that all the relatively normal people amongst you cringed when you heard the mere mention of 'politicians', and then casually grabbed hold of your wallet in case any were about. For those that didn't, this blog isn't for you. Specifically because, you're not welcome!
There are roughly 5 billion political parties out there, and the only one that's liked, takes the piss. And all their views range from right, to far right, to far left, to diagonal upwards a bit, to a little to the bottom, yeah that's the spot, right there, oh baby, to the Monster Raving Loony party. And all of this is in aid of democracy...apparently. Yes, having the choice between so many parties means that you and me get the great satisfaction of ignoring them like attractive women ignore my very existence. All the focus is on the big three, the Twats, the Loons and the Dicks.
The Twats of course are the party that is all for Britain, providing that all of Britain is rich and expensive, and hunts small animals for fun, like real Britons. Any horrible dreg who doesn't earn roughly £1 trillion a year might as well swim to France, the anti-British cock-end. Every Twat in the Twats also can be recognised by their very distinct jowl. They eat so much cheese and wine on a regular basis that their neck has disappeared, and has been replaced by, what I assume, is an air-bag for all the times people punch them in the face. Twat supporters are generally none French trillionaires who think a street is something you do on Twitter. Any Twat supporter who earns less than £1 trillion a year is, of course, a wannabe Twat. Wannabe Twats generally support the Twats for their policies , the same policies that generally consist of bitching about the Loons, and screwing over anyone who isn't a Twat politician or works for the Daily Mail.
Notable Twats: Gary Barlow, Piers Morgan, Jim Davison, Andrew Lloyd Webber
The Loons are basically like the Twats, but not. They believe they're looking out for the interests of the working class, which would be all well and good if half the working class weren't racist and were so won over by the Twat policy of capping immigration. The Loons also follow the United States everywhere they go like a pet chimp, into Iraq and beyond. Represented by terrifying people such as the Blairs; walking into a Loon conference, you'd first assume you'd walked into the fun house. The Loons of course were responsible for the massive national debt, which makes them just as shit as the Twats, except their brand of shitness is incompetence and not say, character and personality. Loon supporters are generally Northern and hate Margaret Thatcher.
Notable Loons: Bono, Geri Halliwell, Peter Gabriel
The Dicks are the leftest of the bunch, favouring peace and love for all mankind. Where student's don't go into debt just for wanting to learn. Where Twats and Loons don't ruin everything for everyone with their strenuous and tedious power struggle. Where asylum seekers can walk hand in hand with Barry, the racist truck driver. Unfortunately for the Dicks, they have become a bitch of the Twats and thus have to go back on half their Dick policies just to see the others through. Because of the Twat-Dick coalition, Dick popularity has gone down severely, despite the fact there is next to nothing they can do. Supporters of the Dicks are, or were, students and Colin Firth; who has since renounced his support
Notable Dicks: Matthew Kelly
And there are the three main parties summed up for easy-to-digest access. I voted in the election, but you know it's a shit choice when you you spend 5 minutes in the booth. Not wanking. My own personal view is that the Twat's, Dicks and Loons need to work past their differences and form one mega party that actually looks out for the whole of Britain, instead of JUST the rich, JUST the working class, JUST the youth. You know, like an actual government.
But what do I know? I'm not a politician.
And a literal one too.
So today I'm going to verbally destroy politicians.
Politicians are so shit, that politicians often make jokes about how shit politicians are. Politicians are so wank, they spend their entire career pointing out how other politicians are wank. Politicians are so putrid and dire, that they don't even need me to explain how putrid and dire they all are. Chances are that all the relatively normal people amongst you cringed when you heard the mere mention of 'politicians', and then casually grabbed hold of your wallet in case any were about. For those that didn't, this blog isn't for you. Specifically because, you're not welcome!
There are roughly 5 billion political parties out there, and the only one that's liked, takes the piss. And all their views range from right, to far right, to far left, to diagonal upwards a bit, to a little to the bottom, yeah that's the spot, right there, oh baby, to the Monster Raving Loony party. And all of this is in aid of democracy...apparently. Yes, having the choice between so many parties means that you and me get the great satisfaction of ignoring them like attractive women ignore my very existence. All the focus is on the big three, the Twats, the Loons and the Dicks.
The Twats of course are the party that is all for Britain, providing that all of Britain is rich and expensive, and hunts small animals for fun, like real Britons. Any horrible dreg who doesn't earn roughly £1 trillion a year might as well swim to France, the anti-British cock-end. Every Twat in the Twats also can be recognised by their very distinct jowl. They eat so much cheese and wine on a regular basis that their neck has disappeared, and has been replaced by, what I assume, is an air-bag for all the times people punch them in the face. Twat supporters are generally none French trillionaires who think a street is something you do on Twitter. Any Twat supporter who earns less than £1 trillion a year is, of course, a wannabe Twat. Wannabe Twats generally support the Twats for their policies , the same policies that generally consist of bitching about the Loons, and screwing over anyone who isn't a Twat politician or works for the Daily Mail.
Notable Twats: Gary Barlow, Piers Morgan, Jim Davison, Andrew Lloyd Webber
The Loons are basically like the Twats, but not. They believe they're looking out for the interests of the working class, which would be all well and good if half the working class weren't racist and were so won over by the Twat policy of capping immigration. The Loons also follow the United States everywhere they go like a pet chimp, into Iraq and beyond. Represented by terrifying people such as the Blairs; walking into a Loon conference, you'd first assume you'd walked into the fun house. The Loons of course were responsible for the massive national debt, which makes them just as shit as the Twats, except their brand of shitness is incompetence and not say, character and personality. Loon supporters are generally Northern and hate Margaret Thatcher.
Notable Loons: Bono, Geri Halliwell, Peter Gabriel
The Dicks are the leftest of the bunch, favouring peace and love for all mankind. Where student's don't go into debt just for wanting to learn. Where Twats and Loons don't ruin everything for everyone with their strenuous and tedious power struggle. Where asylum seekers can walk hand in hand with Barry, the racist truck driver. Unfortunately for the Dicks, they have become a bitch of the Twats and thus have to go back on half their Dick policies just to see the others through. Because of the Twat-Dick coalition, Dick popularity has gone down severely, despite the fact there is next to nothing they can do. Supporters of the Dicks are, or were, students and Colin Firth; who has since renounced his support
Notable Dicks: Matthew Kelly
And there are the three main parties summed up for easy-to-digest access. I voted in the election, but you know it's a shit choice when you you spend 5 minutes in the booth. Not wanking. My own personal view is that the Twat's, Dicks and Loons need to work past their differences and form one mega party that actually looks out for the whole of Britain, instead of JUST the rich, JUST the working class, JUST the youth. You know, like an actual government.
But what do I know? I'm not a politician.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Sleep is for the Weak
Oh god, here he is again going to talk our ears off until nothing remains but two crimson mounds on either side of my face. And why in god's name is he writing it at 2 O' clock in the morning the sad bastard, does he do anything away from his computer? And why the hell am I reading this wank when I have a top heavy blonde laying in my bed with her tongue hanging out?
The blonde can wait, because I'm talking. And like L'oreal, I'm worth it.
So what am I going to yammer on about for the next 2/5 minutes? Maybe I can piss and moan about how Mario is a drug-addled turtle-killer, or how James Cameron now believes he created the Titanic if the marketing for the new film 'Sanctum 3D' is to go by. Or maybe I just want to talk a lot of bollocks and waste 5 minutes of your life, because I'm a twat. I guess we're going to find out.
Students. That's what I'm going to whine and complain and moan and cry about.
Students. These creatures are generally young, pus ridden free loaders who believe they're entitled to the world and beyond. And I should know, I am one! We're in a very desirable situation, we get given free money and are encouraged to use said free money to have a go at learning some more advanced skills, which then help us get a career that doesn't involve me selling my penis on street corners and thus going on to disappoint greasy men and women for the next 40 years. On top of that, the less well off students get free money they don't even have to pay back, ever.
And from that point onwards it goes tits up. Tories are voted in to power and thus began the inevitable raping and pillaging of universities across the country. Under the new system you're going to amass debt like nothing you would ever believe in the history of ever. And apparently this is shocking. Yes, it's shocking because the debt is forced on the student. How despicable, especially when you consider how good students are at getting into preposterous debt all by themselves. Half the student population go a grand in to their overdraft like it's a right of passage, then spend the rest of the year complaining they have no money. 'What's money when you can have a good time in the same place every night, right?' is the general response. Then 6 months later and it's 'Oh shit, I need to eat'.
So after establishing themselves as poor, what can a student do next, oh, that's right. Complain more! Yes, some students go to University because they don't feel ready to work yet, and getting free money to not work for another 3 years sounds like good news to me! So inevitably they take the easiest sounding course, says the guy who does media, and go on to complain that the essays are hard, the teachers are crap, the facilities are average and that their constant hangovers make all 9:15 starts the time of the devil.
And the most stand out issue is their general being. A typical student A.K.A the pus-ridden, free-loading, poor, whiner crybaby dresses and acts like a twat. Everyone's seen one, most of us know one. Yes, the insecure dick-head who decided that being student meant they could act as flamboyant as Boy George at a flower convention. They use social networking as a means to put quirky, kiss arse updates to ensure all their hallow husk-friends can see how flamboyant and eccentric they are. They're the ones who get pissed and are generally outrageous, and by outrageous I mean sickeningly embarrassing. The ones who will wear whatever's popular, even if it's only popular with the other sex. And if anyone doesn't like it well you're just a hard-nosed, judgemental wanker who needs to learn a lesson in tolerance. And as true as that might be, at least I don't dress like a cock.
Was there any point to this? No, it's a blog. It's a blog that I shamelessly sell on Facebook in the belief that one day I will be recognised for my raw talent and good looks, but until the day comes where I have raw talent and good looks, I'm just going to have to persist like an irritating skin rash, and look like one too. I'm under no illusion that there's a total of 4 people who read this, half of which will think I'm an unreasonable douche-bag. And again, as true as that might be...well, it's just true actually.
The blonde can wait, because I'm talking. And like L'oreal, I'm worth it.
So what am I going to yammer on about for the next 2/5 minutes? Maybe I can piss and moan about how Mario is a drug-addled turtle-killer, or how James Cameron now believes he created the Titanic if the marketing for the new film 'Sanctum 3D' is to go by. Or maybe I just want to talk a lot of bollocks and waste 5 minutes of your life, because I'm a twat. I guess we're going to find out.
Students. That's what I'm going to whine and complain and moan and cry about.
Students. These creatures are generally young, pus ridden free loaders who believe they're entitled to the world and beyond. And I should know, I am one! We're in a very desirable situation, we get given free money and are encouraged to use said free money to have a go at learning some more advanced skills, which then help us get a career that doesn't involve me selling my penis on street corners and thus going on to disappoint greasy men and women for the next 40 years. On top of that, the less well off students get free money they don't even have to pay back, ever.
And from that point onwards it goes tits up. Tories are voted in to power and thus began the inevitable raping and pillaging of universities across the country. Under the new system you're going to amass debt like nothing you would ever believe in the history of ever. And apparently this is shocking. Yes, it's shocking because the debt is forced on the student. How despicable, especially when you consider how good students are at getting into preposterous debt all by themselves. Half the student population go a grand in to their overdraft like it's a right of passage, then spend the rest of the year complaining they have no money. 'What's money when you can have a good time in the same place every night, right?' is the general response. Then 6 months later and it's 'Oh shit, I need to eat'.
So after establishing themselves as poor, what can a student do next, oh, that's right. Complain more! Yes, some students go to University because they don't feel ready to work yet, and getting free money to not work for another 3 years sounds like good news to me! So inevitably they take the easiest sounding course, says the guy who does media, and go on to complain that the essays are hard, the teachers are crap, the facilities are average and that their constant hangovers make all 9:15 starts the time of the devil.
And the most stand out issue is their general being. A typical student A.K.A the pus-ridden, free-loading, poor, whiner crybaby dresses and acts like a twat. Everyone's seen one, most of us know one. Yes, the insecure dick-head who decided that being student meant they could act as flamboyant as Boy George at a flower convention. They use social networking as a means to put quirky, kiss arse updates to ensure all their hallow husk-friends can see how flamboyant and eccentric they are. They're the ones who get pissed and are generally outrageous, and by outrageous I mean sickeningly embarrassing. The ones who will wear whatever's popular, even if it's only popular with the other sex. And if anyone doesn't like it well you're just a hard-nosed, judgemental wanker who needs to learn a lesson in tolerance. And as true as that might be, at least I don't dress like a cock.
Was there any point to this? No, it's a blog. It's a blog that I shamelessly sell on Facebook in the belief that one day I will be recognised for my raw talent and good looks, but until the day comes where I have raw talent and good looks, I'm just going to have to persist like an irritating skin rash, and look like one too. I'm under no illusion that there's a total of 4 people who read this, half of which will think I'm an unreasonable douche-bag. And again, as true as that might be...well, it's just true actually.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Blogcraft
MMORPG - Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game A.K.A The dreaded Time Sponge A.K.A Where did the last few years of your life go?
Notable games:
World of Warcraft
E.V.E Online
War-hammer
Conan
DC Universe Online
Also expect:
Star Wars: The Old republic
Now, take a good long look at these 6 games, and pay significant attention to the top game. Combined, these games have taken a few hundred lifetimes of hours away from gamers. And they've only been out a decade? Made by companies who claim that they want to make an experience where everyone can enjoy each others company while exploring a rich game world.
As well as that might be, there is a small print. They want your soul in exchange.
Yes, buy these games and play with hundreds of random people you've never met before. Collect items, become the ultimate 'fuck you' bad ass among another hundred thousand 'fuck you' bad asses Blend in seamlessly with hundreds of other people who think the burden of real life is too much to take. Bond over the fact that the opposite sex is over rated and that your guild mates are the only friendship you ever need. For anyone that said 'well there's a member of the opposite sex in my guild' then well done you, you must tell me how the cyber sex works out. All the developer and publisher want in exchange is for you to dedicate enough hours of your life to the game to justify paying £10 a month for the rest of your sodding life.
Now, obviously I sound very much against the notion of MMORPGs, and I'm not. To dislike an entire genre when I've never really experienced it is the same kind of hypocrisy that I've been winging about over the last 8 or so blogs. But that doesn't mean I can't formulate my own opinion regarding it, from what I've seen. And what I've seen baffles my incredible mind. INCREDIBLE MIND!
Now, I'm going to concentrate my attention on the grand daddy, apparently the greatest MMORPG and apparently apparently one of the best games to ever exist in the history of ever. It's also one of the most influential, but to argue against that is like arguing that the Chinese don't live in China.
So yes, World of Warcraft is one of the, if not the most influential game out today. Why? Because it makes a lot of bloody money. And when a game makes a lot of bloody money, a lot of big publishers go 'ooh, I want to make a lot of bloody money too!'. But why does it make a lot of bloody money?
I don't think I could tell you, because I am but one side to the 3 massive armies. From the mountains of Azeroth live the World of Warcraft faithful. The people I specified not 4 paragraphs ago. Down on the plains of Earth are the people who look up at them thinking 'what the fuck are they all doing up there?'. This is me and any other person who has never touched World of Warcraft before. We're the brand of gamers who don't understand the appeal of being called 'n00b' on a regular basis, or don't like going on irritating fetch quests, or don't like the idea of paying a tenner a month for a game we've already bought.
Guess you can call us old fashioned
And the third party, are the people who come down from the mountain. The recovering addicts, fresh from their Warcraft anonymous meetings, pledging never to take their Cow-man out to raid ever again. But on lonely nights he shakes, staring at his PC and swears it's talking to him.
PC: Come Averein! Play World of Warcraft. The new expansion pack has just been released. Things are different.
Averein: No! My name is Robert! Averein is dead! He's dead you hear me!?
Averein: No! My name is Robert! Averein is dead! He's dead you hear me!?
PC: He can live again. He just needs you. The power of your love (and money) will heal his spirit
And so on, and so on.
Now, the most constructive thing to do would be to have an opinion from all 3 sides. But fuck that, you came here to hear me, and me alone, so that's what you're going to get! The fact is I know people who play World of Warcraft, and I listen to pod casts starring people who play World of Warcraft. The best outside opinion you're going to get is this tiny tale about my friend, who vowed to never get into World of Warcraft ever again. Instead he chose to speak fondly of the mass time he spent on it. I guess you would consider him the recovering addict.
Well I would too until he bought the recent expansion pack, Cataclysm, and has probably already clocked a few hundred million hours on it.
And there it is.
World of Warcraft makes so much money because it has a power equatable to alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. It's addictive, to an unhealthy degree. Blizzard is the gaming equivilant of Marlboro cigarettes, charging their customers regularly to sap their lives away. It's a harsh comparison but one that needs to be made. If the game relied more on seamless storytelling instead of grind quests (again, I'm speaking from what I've heard) then I wouldn't have room to complain. A game praised for length should therefore be judged for how much content it offers. Padding doesn't count.
Before any World of Warcraft leader goes into a frenzy of either hate, denial or masturbation. I want to clarify one more thing. I know for a fact that were I to climb the mountain of Azeroth, I wouldn't come back down for a good long while. And if I ever did, I would be resemble someone who has been on Crystal Meth for twenty years. So don't think that I write this blog as a means to look down upon any of you, because chances are I'm secretly worse than all of you put together.
I'd still be smoking hot though.
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
He lives under a bridge.
There is a curious creature in the metaphorical wonderland of the internet. It doesn't visit the wondrous art galleries of DeviantArteria, or read through the infinite archives of wikipedium, or even perv on young virgins in the epic metropolis of Facebookia. No, instead this creature donates its time to more curious things. It hides in wait for something eagerly anticipated, awaits for the giddy people to gather round, then proceed to jump out and throw its shit everywhere.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This foul smelling beast is an Internet Troll. And like real life trolls they live under bridges...Sorta.
OK, so my attempts at creating a new fictional fantasy universe themed around the internet, stealing many of Tolkien's original ideas and shamelessly re-branding-them-only-not, is falling through. So I shall resume this blog in the boring real world sense.
Internet trolls are those horrible little bastards that sit on their arses, complaining about things in the hopes that people listen to them...
...
Before you say 'like you' please note that I am not LITTLE, so it can't possibly apply to me!
Stop it!
But seriously, the internet troll has no point. They don't write blogs to provide any constructive opinion, they don't want people to see the way they're thinking, they don't even care that people can smell them all the way from the other side of the damn planet.
So why do these horrible little, LITTLE, bastards get an entire blog dedicated to how truly horrible and repugnant they are? Well, shamelessly it's down to an extreme personal dislike involving a very current real world example.
One of my favourite Xbox 360 games is Dragon Age.
'Ah' you say, realising you are more cooler than me than you first thought. 'Dragon Age eh? I assume then that this is a fantasy RPG based around Tolkien's original ideas involving shameless re-branding-but-not' to which I say 'No, you're wrong! It's a DARK fantasy RPG based around Tolkien's original ideas involving shameless re-branding-but-not'. To which I wield my cardboard shield and sword in your general direction.
But seriously, Dragon Age is a great game. It's a game with slow, clunky gameplay and visuals that resemble my toilet after a shitting-and-vomiting virus. But it made up for this with a brilliant story, incredibly compelling characters, fantastic dialogue and the fact I could commit lesbian sex with a French woman. The other main appeal of Dragon Age is that it is a 'classic' RPG, in a fast adapting world that's starting to think the old formula is a bit dated and in need of re jigging.
Dragon Age also got very good review scores, averaging about 91 on metacritic. This meant that Bioware, the game's developers were ready to develop it into a fully fledged franchise similar to the likes of Mass Effect. So, on they went to make Dragon Age 2, a game which HAD to be better than the original. So the gameplay had to be improved, the graphics had to upgrade past 'Oh look, brown.' and of course they had to include more shaggable characters. And by shaggable I mean Compelling.
This meant they had to make several improvements, none of which I care to list here!
'So what does this have to do with Internet Trolls?' you say.
Simply put, because Bioware are improving the aspects that made Dragon Age the classical RPG, every nerd is weeping into his suspiciously crusty sock. And instead of being hopeful or constructive they have instead decided they will berate the game to such a degree that the developer and publisher will cry into their laurels, burn all progress and make Dragon Age 1...again.
Of course, the developers ignore them.
And the nerds transformed into Trolls
And thus the poo flinging began.
Every video and article for Dragon Age 2 is being attacked by trolls. Find one and see if you wish. The comments normally consist of 'ORIGINS FOREVER'.
Now this is the part of the blog where I go into my conclusion, and normally being the understanding person I am, I'll suggest ways for internet trolls to instead consider that the game might be good, and that they shouldn't judge it until they've played it.
However, internet trolls don't listen to reason. or understanding. Only irrationality, stupidity and ignorance can penetrate that thick brain.
So for any internet troll, this is for you.
OMG YOU'RE SUCH AN UGLY BASTARD WHY DON'T YOU WAIT TILL THE GAME COMES OUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE YOU FAGGOT WITH NO FRIENDS I BET YOU JUST WANT DRAGON AGE ORIGINS AGAIN SO YOU CAN HAVE GAY SEX WITH ZEVRAN LOL
for everyone else, please don't judge me. :(
Sunday, 16 January 2011
The 'not about games' blog.
Here it is!
The fabled none gaming blog!
It sucks too because I had a good topic for games, specifically the roll of the internet troll and innova- NO! bad Alex. That's a complaint for another time.
SO!
Films.
Where to start?
Oh god!? Where to start!?
...
OK, I have something.
*ahem*
So, 3D, that wonderful little technology that has come and gone from cinema screens since way back in the 80s. Unlike the 80s however there is this very large argument among the film elitist, the pretentious, the open-minded and the 'who-gives-a-crap' audiences around the world. And while I'm partial to agree with the 'who-gives-a-crap' audience it also means I sympathise with the same brain dead filmtards that thought Skyline was good.
Which it wasn't.
So I guess this means I'm open minded/pretentious. Nothing new there then. There are several reasons I'm sat on the fence. Therefore, I am going to list the Pros and Cons of 3D, and whichever list wins will decide which side of the fence I fall off of after getting hideously pissed and thinking I'm Superman. And with that, We'll start with the Cons!
Every film that stamps 3D on the title immediately shits on the proposed feel and tone of the film. For example, Seth Rogan was insistent that the Green Hornet would be just as personal and involving as it was funny. Then he stamped 3D on the end of the title and suddenly it looked as if his 'personal and involving' was trying to lure in the kids. Which, even written down, doesn't sound right.
But 3D does immerse you in the world. When I saw Beowulf, How to Train Your Dragon, Avatar and Toy Story in three dimensions, I became entirely unaware of the fact I was wearing ridiculous head gear. It fleshed out the figures in the most aesthetic sense, and it also allowed for some more innovative film-making techniques. One example is, and I can't believe I'm using this, Avatar! Yes, James Cameron filmed a perspective shot inside a moving helicopter. The use of 3D made it feel like you were genuinely inside the helicopter with the others, which was incredible.
However, 3D has this horrible habit of involving the 'who-gives-a-shit' audience, the awful audience whose attention can be bought with a lollipop and a firework display, preferably indoors. And worse yet, there's a lot of the bastards. And because of this increased sale revenue for anything with 3D stamped on the end, every studio and their granny wants any film with a budget to use 3D. Worse still, you get shit, money crazed directors like Paul W.S Anderson of Resident Evil fame making MORE RESIDENT EVIL FILMS. If you want to know why that's so bad, go watch a Resident Evil film. Or to save you from wasting two hours of your life and contemplating suicide, go watch a trailer on You tube.
Regardless of opinion, this recent influx of 3D is a major game changer, something that hasn't occurred until the last major tech upgrade. And lets be honest, when those happen the audience very rarely notice. 3D is a genuine aesthetic upgrade where even the naive, such as myself, can blatantly see a difference. I'm not saying 3D should be in every film, but should a director want to use 3D on his big budget film because he thinks it will enhance it. He should not be denied.
And that's the problem isn't it. Because most of the good film makers out there don't see 3D as anything else but a gimmick. The directors that adore the prospect of 3D just want more cash so they can buy their new Rolls Royce and the 3 prostitutes that go with it; I'm looking at you Spielberg and Lucas. So long as the good directors don't see the potential and the bad directors see the cash, every 3D film WILL be gimmicky, and therefore inherently awful.
You're just a pessimistic arsehole
Least I'm not a deluded prick
Yeah, well. Fuck yo-
So there you have it, the only Pros and Cons that I could muster up in this very brief, and concerning, argument to myself. And I'll tell you what, I'm still on the fence.
Any of you now winging that there are obviously 3 cons there, so I should therefore be pretentious and stop being so pedantic!
So here is why, I see the potential of 3D. I see that with the appropriate film techniques, love, care and resolve, 3D can be something more than a 'OOH Axe in your face' experience. 3D, done right, can involve an audience in a way no 2D film has. The problem of course is that so long as directors think all it is good for is a 'OOOH Axe in your face' experience, nothing is going to change. No heads will turn. And those people who once made the film industry what it is, will just cause an unnecessary stagnation in development.
And that's another reason why George Lucas sucks.
The fabled none gaming blog!
It sucks too because I had a good topic for games, specifically the roll of the internet troll and innova- NO! bad Alex. That's a complaint for another time.
SO!
Films.
Where to start?
Oh god!? Where to start!?
...
OK, I have something.
*ahem*
So, 3D, that wonderful little technology that has come and gone from cinema screens since way back in the 80s. Unlike the 80s however there is this very large argument among the film elitist, the pretentious, the open-minded and the 'who-gives-a-crap' audiences around the world. And while I'm partial to agree with the 'who-gives-a-crap' audience it also means I sympathise with the same brain dead filmtards that thought Skyline was good.
Which it wasn't.
So I guess this means I'm open minded/pretentious. Nothing new there then. There are several reasons I'm sat on the fence. Therefore, I am going to list the Pros and Cons of 3D, and whichever list wins will decide which side of the fence I fall off of after getting hideously pissed and thinking I'm Superman. And with that, We'll start with the Cons!
Every film that stamps 3D on the title immediately shits on the proposed feel and tone of the film. For example, Seth Rogan was insistent that the Green Hornet would be just as personal and involving as it was funny. Then he stamped 3D on the end of the title and suddenly it looked as if his 'personal and involving' was trying to lure in the kids. Which, even written down, doesn't sound right.
But 3D does immerse you in the world. When I saw Beowulf, How to Train Your Dragon, Avatar and Toy Story in three dimensions, I became entirely unaware of the fact I was wearing ridiculous head gear. It fleshed out the figures in the most aesthetic sense, and it also allowed for some more innovative film-making techniques. One example is, and I can't believe I'm using this, Avatar! Yes, James Cameron filmed a perspective shot inside a moving helicopter. The use of 3D made it feel like you were genuinely inside the helicopter with the others, which was incredible.
However, 3D has this horrible habit of involving the 'who-gives-a-shit' audience, the awful audience whose attention can be bought with a lollipop and a firework display, preferably indoors. And worse yet, there's a lot of the bastards. And because of this increased sale revenue for anything with 3D stamped on the end, every studio and their granny wants any film with a budget to use 3D. Worse still, you get shit, money crazed directors like Paul W.S Anderson of Resident Evil fame making MORE RESIDENT EVIL FILMS. If you want to know why that's so bad, go watch a Resident Evil film. Or to save you from wasting two hours of your life and contemplating suicide, go watch a trailer on You tube.
Regardless of opinion, this recent influx of 3D is a major game changer, something that hasn't occurred until the last major tech upgrade. And lets be honest, when those happen the audience very rarely notice. 3D is a genuine aesthetic upgrade where even the naive, such as myself, can blatantly see a difference. I'm not saying 3D should be in every film, but should a director want to use 3D on his big budget film because he thinks it will enhance it. He should not be denied.
And that's the problem isn't it. Because most of the good film makers out there don't see 3D as anything else but a gimmick. The directors that adore the prospect of 3D just want more cash so they can buy their new Rolls Royce and the 3 prostitutes that go with it; I'm looking at you Spielberg and Lucas. So long as the good directors don't see the potential and the bad directors see the cash, every 3D film WILL be gimmicky, and therefore inherently awful.
You're just a pessimistic arsehole
Least I'm not a deluded prick
Yeah, well. Fuck yo-
So there you have it, the only Pros and Cons that I could muster up in this very brief, and concerning, argument to myself. And I'll tell you what, I'm still on the fence.
Any of you now winging that there are obviously 3 cons there, so I should therefore be pretentious and stop being so pedantic!
So here is why, I see the potential of 3D. I see that with the appropriate film techniques, love, care and resolve, 3D can be something more than a 'OOH Axe in your face' experience. 3D, done right, can involve an audience in a way no 2D film has. The problem of course is that so long as directors think all it is good for is a 'OOOH Axe in your face' experience, nothing is going to change. No heads will turn. And those people who once made the film industry what it is, will just cause an unnecessary stagnation in development.
And that's another reason why George Lucas sucks.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
The chip on your shoulder...Is that your head!?
I promise that my next blog will be film related. Why do I promise this to roughly 5 people who actually read my blog? Because about half of those 5 people (yes, that is 2.5 people, My readership defies logic) don't understand what the hell it is I'm going on about when I talk about games. And while I like to believe I'm not a person that goes out of his way to cater for the masses, I also don't want to go about repulsing only people that willingly read the shite I peddle on the internet.
So as you've guessed, this is another gaming related blog (Please don't go...). My last blog ended on a note that I wish to expand upon because I feel it left the wrong impression. I ended on the note that 'I could have mentioned PC and they'd all be fucked' which in turn makes me sound like one of the most horrifying species on the face of the Earth. Worse than the repugnant blob fish, worse still than the unprovoked, angry wasp, EVEN WORSE, than me!
Ladies and gentlemen, I of course mean, the stuck-up PC gamer.
Not to be confused with your average PC gamer. The person who plays football manager because statistics provide the kind of orgasm that their imaginary woman can't. The person who plays the Sims 3 because raising a family then burning it to the ground is one of life's greatest sadistic pleasures. The person who plays Civilization to indulge their fantasies of one day ruling the planet by way of of permanent alliance with Julius Caesar. All these people are those that play games (generally) without hope and agenda and just want to have fun.
Now the stuck up PC gamer....
The stuck up PC gamer is primarily the kind of gamer that adores rubbing your face in their achievements, despite the fact their achievements are none existent in the real world. One example is when I was a teenager, and one of my acquaintances caught wind of the fact that I like Civilization. Instead of bonding over what made the game great, my acquaintance instead wanted to brag about how fast he could research 'gunpowder'. It's as bad as it sounds.
The stuck up PC gamer is also the kind of person that likes to bore you with how awesome their computer hardware is. They spend a ridiculous amount of money to make their computer more like a T-800 than an actual computer. I half expect these computers to utter phrases like 'I'll be back' instead of allowing me to set my Sims on fire as they sleep, in glorious detail. They also own ridiculously expensive keyboards with unnecessary keys and cushions to comfort your hands so you don't become aware of the fact you've not let your computer to eat, piss, sleep in 3 days.
If you have read the last 2 paragraphs and thought 'Oh dear, that's me' then fear not. There is one final thing that makes the PC nerd, a stuck up PC gamer. The stuck up PC gamer commits that same repulsive, discriminatory attitude that console fan boys adopt, that I mentioned in the last blog. But the stuck up PC gamer is worse, much worse. Whereas the console fan boy is normally a witless idiot who has never been touched in his special place, he is still all about having fun on his damn console. The hardcore PS3 gamer will ultimately recognise that Uncharted is a great game because he had fun.
The stuck up PC gamer must be superior, at all times, so his games must be beyond fun. They must have graft, hard work, hours of dedication, constant masturbation and more! They must be more hardcore than these hardcore console philistines. Their games can reach graphical perfection, whereas the consoles scurry in the dirt like insects. They must represent, look down at everything these consoles do. EVERYTHING. And should anyone own a console, such as their 7 year old sister and her Wii, they must be disowned for their shear stupidity and cultural stagnation.
I hope it relieves several of you reading this to know, I know no-one like this.
Of course, the best thing about stuck up PC gamers is how much they're actually shat on by console gamers. Consoles are the big thing in gaming, developers...develop games on consoles and usually port them over elsewhere. This means that most third party games on the PC are to console standard, and the best these stuck up Gamers can get is a nicer shine and polish. Of course, Stuck up PC gamers have exclusive games like EVE Online and World of Warcraft, but in my opinion that is more of a reason to pity them.
All in all, I play on my PC like I play on my console. But to assume that my PC is better than my console is to assume that I am better than most people because I am taller.
Which is probably true actually.
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