Vote for me.

You'd think after shamelessly abusing students there would be nowhere left to turn in regards to easy targets.  If you thought this you are quite simply a narrow minded fool who should stop reading this blog and go read a dictionary instead.  Honestly, it's full of interesting things you probably never thought existed!  For the rest of you, chances are you're keeping your mouth shut, and for those that don't speak to their computers, are keeping their minds closed.  Because you can't seem to get a word in edgeways in this blog without getting a metaphorical grilling.

And a literal one too.

So today I'm going to verbally destroy politicians.

Politicians are so shit, that politicians often make jokes about how shit politicians are.  Politicians are so wank, they spend their entire career pointing out how other politicians are wank.  Politicians are so putrid and dire, that they don't even need me to explain how putrid and dire they all are.  Chances are that all the relatively normal people amongst you cringed when you heard the mere mention of 'politicians', and then casually grabbed hold of your wallet in case any were about.  For those that didn't, this blog isn't for you.  Specifically because, you're not welcome!

There are roughly 5 billion political parties out there, and the only one that's liked, takes the piss.  And all their views range from right, to far right, to far left, to diagonal upwards a bit, to a little to the bottom, yeah that's the spot, right there, oh baby, to the Monster Raving Loony party.  And all of this is in aid of democracy...apparently.  Yes, having the choice between so many parties means that you and me get the great satisfaction of ignoring them like attractive women ignore my very existence.  All the focus is on the big three, the Twats, the Loons and the Dicks.

The Twats of course are the party that is all for Britain, providing that all of Britain is rich and expensive, and hunts small animals for fun, like real Britons.  Any horrible dreg who doesn't earn roughly £1 trillion a year might as well swim to France, the anti-British cock-end.  Every Twat in the Twats also can be recognised by their very distinct jowl.  They eat so much cheese and wine on a regular basis that their neck has disappeared, and has been replaced by, what I assume, is an air-bag for all the times people punch them in the face.  Twat supporters are generally none French trillionaires who think a street is something you do on Twitter.  Any Twat supporter who earns less than £1 trillion a year is, of course, a wannabe Twat.  Wannabe Twats generally support the Twats for their policies , the same policies that generally consist of bitching about the Loons, and screwing over anyone who isn't a Twat politician or works for the Daily Mail.

Notable Twats:  Gary Barlow, Piers Morgan, Jim Davison, Andrew Lloyd Webber

The Loons are basically like the Twats, but not.  They believe they're looking out for the interests of the working class, which would be all well and good if half the working class weren't racist and were so won over by the Twat policy of capping immigration.  The Loons also follow the United States everywhere they go like a pet chimp, into Iraq and beyond.  Represented by terrifying people such as the Blairs; walking into a Loon conference, you'd first assume you'd walked into the fun house.  The Loons of course were responsible for the massive national debt, which makes them just as shit as the Twats, except their brand of shitness is incompetence and not say, character and personality.  Loon supporters are generally Northern and hate Margaret Thatcher.

Notable Loons:  Bono, Geri Halliwell, Peter Gabriel

The Dicks are the leftest of the bunch, favouring peace and love for all mankind.  Where student's don't go into debt just for wanting to learn.  Where Twats and Loons don't ruin everything for everyone with their strenuous and tedious power struggle.  Where asylum seekers can walk hand in hand with Barry, the racist truck driver.  Unfortunately for the Dicks, they have become a bitch of the Twats and thus have to go back on half their Dick policies just to see the others through.  Because of the Twat-Dick coalition, Dick popularity has gone down severely, despite the fact there is next to nothing they can do.  Supporters of the Dicks are, or were, students and Colin Firth; who has since renounced his support

Notable Dicks:  Matthew Kelly

And there are the three main parties summed up for easy-to-digest access.  I voted in the election, but you know it's a shit choice when you you spend 5 minutes in the booth.  Not wanking.  My own personal view is that the Twat's, Dicks and Loons need to work past their differences and form one mega party that actually looks out for the whole of Britain, instead of JUST the rich, JUST the working class, JUST the youth.  You know, like an actual government.

But what do I know?  I'm not a politician.