That leaves their children. Graphic novels and Blockbuster Video Games.
Graphic novels is the older brother, a young version of books made more colourful with the addition of pictures. Video games on the other hand is the gushing child, looking up at Daddy film and tries to emulate him in every way. Even when his dad has a horrible habit of pissing himself and falling over.
Where I'm trying to go with the metaphor (which has clearly outstayed it's welcome) is that blockbuster games need to stop copying films. Because blockbuster films are generally crap. Other than that, they have this horrible habit of tacking on sequels which generally ruin the entirety of the continuity established in the previous films, and therefore make everything seem like a parallel universe. Hell, at least Star trek was up front about it!
Of course, I have a few specific games in mind when thinking of this horrid act of ill thought out tacking. So fasten your seatbelts and get ready to enter a ranting shit storm. Incidently, it's full of spoilers, so when a spoiler is imminent. THIS will appear:
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
when the spoiler ends, this will be what you see:
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
So, to resume.
FIRST! on my agenda is Mass Effect 2, a game I adore and love; but at one point raised an eyebrow which MUST be addressed. Of course, what I'm talking about is-
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
...*cough* The Human-Reaper. As cool as it was to see that Shepard's interstellar nemesiseseseses find their way into Mass Effect 2, everything about the Human- Reaper is silly. Firstly, it was being designed as a Human shaped super space craft. Which would looking bloody hilarious flying through space wouldn't it? How would it fly? Like Superman? with one arm sticking out? Or would it favour the arms at the side of approach; therefore looking as if it's going to torpedo into the nearest planet. The reason the Human-Reaper is Human shaped, is because it's being made up of liquidised people; which is the straw that broke the continuity back. If you've played Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2, you'll notice that pretty much every reaper is shaped like a giant cuttlefish. So what? Was every civilisation before Mass Effect CUTTLEFISH!? it explains why they were so easy to wipe out...
But that's not the irritating thing ladies and gentleman. In Mass Effect 1 you mean Sovereign, a Cuttlefi- I MEAN REAPER! who tells you that organic life is a weakness BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M A BIG SCARY MACHINE! but then in Mass Effect 2 it turns out that reapers are half organic. So what? Was Sovereign just retarded or lying? He doesn't seem like the type.
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
For those of you who had to skip that section, you're idiots. Why haven't you played Mass Effect 2 yet?
MOVING RIGHT ALONG! and into prequel territory now.
Halo: Reach. Yes, Halo Reach. I love Halo, well, I love Halo and Halo 2. And maybe ODST. Halo: Reach is a massive irritating tacking on. And while I'm prone to sympathise with Bungie; who had to make a story that works next to a book (Fall of Reach), there's still no excuse for some of this blatantly awful tacking on of things.
You're Noble team, a bunch of generally characterless Spartan's who go from point A to point B several times, occasionally stopping to defend evac points. When the plot does kick in, which is about the 8th mission of 9, you are tasked with -
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
...Thank you. You are tasked with taking a valuable package to the pillar of autumn (the ship that plays great importance in Halo). Now,I appreciate Bungie wanted to make a game where you character inspires the Halo trilogy to unfold. It's a great concept. But the way it's done! Basically, the valuable package is a fragment of Cortana, filled with precious information. Which is fucking retarded, and clearly a loop hole designed to work around the fact Cortana accompanies Master Chief all through Reach's downfall; so she couldn't possibly be the package at the same time. Bungie found a way...
As you deliver the package, Captain Keyes tells you that your fallen comrades will never be forgotton. Then after you die, a narrator tells you that you will never be forgotten. But if you play ANY other Halo game, you will hear NO mention of Noble Team. They don't even show up on the remembrance memorial at the end of Halo 3. Remembered my ARSE. Noble Team you gullible bastards.
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
One more point I want to make about Reach before I leave it. How retarded is the military in that game? The very first mission is where you encounter the covenant. The aliens that are systematically going through every human colony and eradicating everything. But the human military doesn't send reinforcements then, no. They don't send reinforcements when a ship starts bombing an important base either, Nope. They don't send reinforcements when the Covenant has a full invasion force at the ready. Nope. NO! instead they send reinforcements once they're sure everything is fucked. Way to go. Apparently, it will take 2 days for a bulk of the forces to show up from when they're massively fucked. Coincidently, the time between the first mission and the mission where everything is entirely fucked, is roughly about two days.
BUHHHRRRRR.
Anyway, on to the worst offender of the lot. A game I hold with such contempt and hatred. A game that takes tacking to a whole other level of crap.
Bioshock 2
This game, in my opinion (and by 'in my opinion' I mean 'by fact') is crap, story-wise at least. Basically, the main antagonist of Bioshock 2 is a woman who loves to spend the entire game poking you with a stick made of 'shit dialogue'. She was also, apparently, a big player in the city of Rapture. Which makes sense considering she wasn't mentioned A SINGLE TIME in bioshock 1. However, I was put to shame when I found the audio logs of one Andrew Ryan stating how important she was in Raptures society. It was strange to note that his voice sounded different. Clearly I've breathed in too much ADAM.
The game also does something which everyone loved, cept me. Clearly I'm one of those none conformist dicks. But there's a section where you-
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
I'm getting sick of you! Seriously, there is no need to INTERUPT!
*****LOL*****
...anyway, there is a section where you get to play as a little sister. And you get to see Rapture how it was before it's famed downfall.
Would have been FANTASTIC if it didn't imply that Rapture was basically made of bed sheets and duvets.
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
I guess the basic jist of it is, instead of running the risks of trying to please your fans, why don't you grow some balls and go into some new territory in the same Universe?
All Reach had to do was not tie Noble Team's story directly into the Halo trilogy. This means that the lack of mention of Noble Team ANYWHERE is entirely understandable. It also means they don't have to twist and warp their own damn fiction to make something work.
If Mass Effect was honestly conceived as a trilogy before the sale of the first game, why not just have Sovereign acknowledge the value of organic life instead of just being a massive cuttlefish wanker
And all Bioshock 2 had to do was establish new characters, instead of trying to hopelessly piggyback off of the first.
That and not have you play as a Big Daddy
That and not exist.
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