Shiny Shiny

So, my mood has improved which means two things.

1)  I am not really in the mood for berating awful things like Transformers, Twilight and Avatar.

B) Therefore my blog will undoubtedly suffer for it.

But fear not!  I'm a person who can talk about anything and make it interesting.  So this blog shall be dedicated to Butter.  That's right!  That creamy sweet substance you spread on bread and other such stuff.  Where to start?  Of course, we could talk about how Butter has gone through a metamorphosis, and what was once perceived as a heart attack spread has since-

Oh fuck this lets insult the idea of remastering games.

Yes, going back to my very first blog, games are trying their damned hardest to impersonate films.  To the degree they now treat the old games like people with Blu-Rays treat DVDs.  

'Why should I have to play my beloved classic with it's awful graphics while the youth of today gets to play their favourite games in glorious HD?"  says the spiteful, graphics are more important than game-play moron.

'It gives us a chance to see the game how it was supposed to look' says the naive cock-end

'Why not?' says the smartest, least pretentious of the 3.

Now, I want to first say that I own both Pokemon Fire-red and Pokemon Soul-Silver.  Both are remakes of the Red and Silver respectively.  And I love them.  More than I love cake.  And sleeping.  And my girlfriend.  But the reason I love them so much is because Nintendo did what they did best.  They kept the formula exactly the same and changed NOTHING but the graphics.  Of course, they incorporated the new Pokemon in there, post Elite 4.  And tweaked the battling to match the Diamond/Pearl system.  All very, very, very boring.

But the fact is, it felt like Pokemon.  Exactly the way I remembered it.  Looking down at all those midget people as they harassed you with their enslaved monsters.  Approaching you with ABSURD dialogue before starting a battle ('Do you like to wear shorts?').  Consistently beating your rival, then being dumbfounded as he returned even more arrogant.  Meeting Mewtwo.  Getting a Charizard.

The list goes on and on.

But now the console franchises are getting in on the action.  To compliment the release of God of War 3, Kratos popped his zits, put on some make up and got heavy on the pixels as the first two games were remastered.  Lara Croft is returning in remastered versions of the original Tomb Raider games, probably to show off her high definition breasts.  And then every sad-act and their mother is getting wet over the prospect of a remastered Final Fantasy 7.

Now, here is where I talk negatively for a good paragraph or two.

But not yet.  You see, God of War 3 was a really big deal; and it's irritating to have the final instalment on an entirely different platform.  Especially the graphical behemoth that is the PS3, in comparison to it's modest PS2 daddy.  So it would be nice to have consistent graphics in the entire series.  I sympathise with this because of my disturbed and perverted relationship with the Halo franchise.  After playing Reach, I immediately went to play Halo 1, for an actual story (HOOO).  My jaw dropped when I realised that it wasn't as pretty as Reach.  The Elite's faces were melded into their armour, Master Chief looked as if he was dunked in metallic green paint.  And the environments in general looked as if they were made of Lego.  This doesn't detract from how good the game is; but going between those two extremes can really take you out the immersion for a little bit.

What I'm trying to say is, if you're wanting to keep a sense of consistency with graphics in your stories, then go ahead; it makes sense.

So now! The abuse!  Does Lara Croft really need remastering?  Do her games being remastered add anything to the Lara Croft franchise?  To me, it looks as if it's just a gimmick to attract those older, hardcore fans that have since moved on to the likes of Nathan Drake for platforming, tomb robbing fun.  But the kicker is that Lara's graphical update isn't overseen by her original creators, but rather her new pimps Crystal Dynamics.  Yes, people who had nothing to do with the Original games are remastering the original games.  Crystal Dynamics, a developer whose most critically acclaimed Lara Croft outing was the recently released xbox live arcade game.  The same developer who haven't hit the nail on the head yet in regards to her traditional platforming, endangered species murdering romps?  Why?

It's like me remastering the Beatles.  By playing all their parts.

It's remastering because it sounds good.  And because the graphics argument wins over 60% of the fucktards in the gaming market.

So now, on to Final Fantasy 7.  I have a friend named Sean, who goes on about the possible Final Fantasy 7 remakes, and every time he does he needs a pants change.  Online, you can't go to a single gaming website and not hear about people wanting Square Enix to announce the remake.

Ask most Final Fantasy fans and they'll tell you that either 6,7 or 10 was their favourite.  All coincidently were made by Square SOFT before they were eaten by the metaphorical business whale that was Something-something Enix.  And thus Square Enix was created!  A company that was Square in name only; and thus the Final Fantasy games that are never as good as the old days are born!

Sean, my friend, describes Final Fantasy 13 as a good game, just not as good as the older games.  IGN, describe Final Fantasy 13 as the most disappointing game of 2010.  What both Sean and IGN have in common is that they both want a remastered version of Final Fantasy 7 ASAP.  That's right.  They want a remastered version of their favourite Final Fantasy game made by the people who make mediocre Final Fantasy games.

This is not how things should be remade, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, Sean said to me a while back that the original creative force behind Final Fantasy 7 was interested in the remake.  Now, were Square Enix to take them on and let them have complete control in the remake, then why not?  Let them.  But honestly, if this game is going to be shat out by the people who have no idea what made Final Fantasy one of the biggest gaming powerhouses of 90s, then why would you want it?  Why would you want a game that is likely only going to disappoint? and shit on your memories? or just make you go and play the original, thus DESTROYING the point of remastering it in the first place?

I believe remastering is a necessary evil, especially with most big games publishers preferring to stick to what sells, as opposed to taking risks on new ideas.  I don't malign the idea of a Final Fantasy remake because it's mostly fan demand, my issue is that the people that remaster these games don't really give a shit about what it is they're playing with.  Pokemon was remastered brilliantly, because Nintendo knew their franchise the only way Nintendo could.  They didn't approach it as some obese 40 year old fan-boy living in his mums basement  looking at it in a way only he could.  No, Nintendo looked at Pokemon the same way they did at the end of the 90s, and that's why it worked.  The same can be said for God Of War, the same creative force remastering the graphics and adding consistency beyond the series.  A remastered Lara Croft is just going to be a nicer looking Tomb Raider with outdated gameplay, and were Crystal Dynamics to make their own adjustments, they'd likely be crap.

Final Fantasy 7 remake is hard to say.  The story will be the same and the graphics will no doubt make my eyes wet their pants in joy.  But chances are that if it's made without those who made it what it was, Enix will balls it up somehow.

And as funny as that would be, it'll make the people's pleas for a remastering of Final Fantasy 10 all the more unbearable.