So Pokemon Emerald has single-handedly robbed me of my time, life and motivation. The thrill of levelling up a Mudkip seems to outdo being constructive, doing something meaningful and having sex. What's worse is that I'm going to go and finish Pokemon FireRed in due time. Then SoulSilver. And after that I'll kill myself through excessive masturbation and crippling loneliness.
Of course, you didn't come here to read about my (depressing) life story, so I'm going to go on about something that will make no significance to you whatsoever.
So, Paul W.S Anderson. Today I read that Mr Anderson (Not to be confused with Neo) is touching up his new film about the Three Musketeers. Yes, that trio of loveable French musket-men who committed noble acts of heroism, engrained into French history like fine embroidery. It's tragic that the man who will reintroduce them to our current generation is the directorial equivilant of a chimp with a camera and an irrational fear of technology.
What is it that Mr Anderson has done to make me question his professional integrity? Well, unluckily for him I can list them with general and unquestionable ease.
1. Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Afterlife. As well as writing the 'story' for the other two.
2. Aliens versus Predator
3. A sequel to Blade Runner you probably never knew existed.
4. Mortal Kombat, though I'm fairly sure the hysterical nerds will claim that it's a film so bad it's good. To which I say no, it's just bad.
Of course, he has done other films. All of which were so silly in premise that I can't call them shit. Because if he meant for them to be as silly as they are, then he actually did something right. Example, Death Race.
What's particularly sad about Mr Anderson is the fact that he is so aware of the fact he isn't very good. When discussing Resident Evil: Afterlife with Empire, he went on to state that were his films acclaimed by critics, something would be wrong. And he probably wouldn't be making money.
I respect the man for his honesty, but the statement itself amplifies his sheer penisdom. He is the British equivilant of Michael Bay, but has an obscene amount of creative control. He writes the stories, he can contribute to scripts, he produces near enough everything he does, he's married to Milla Jovovich and insists she acts in nearly everyone of his films. Is it because he likes to be able to have sex while shooting on location? Is it because he wants to flaunt his penis extension? Or is it because he's a man capable of selling his wife's name as a means to get more audience viewers.
Of course, a fair assumption is that he stars Milla in his films because she's generally talented. Like Tim Burton and his sordid obsession with casting his wife and making her look particularly hideous in every one of his films. However, unlike Bonham-Carter, Jovovich is average. A woman whose big break in cinema was playing a mute alongside Bruce Willis. I like her, I honestly do, but her acting ability doesn't warrant her being cast by Mr Anderson in every film.
Mr Anderson is also a man who just can not argue the point of his films existence without sounding like an utter cock. For example, Death Race. Mr Anderson goes on to state that Death Race is a B-Movie, and one that the audiences will love (They didn't care). When asked 'why?', Mr Anderson calmly told them 'Spielberg achieved huge success with Jaws. A shark that goes around eating people. That's as B-movie as you get'. Unlike Mr Anderson however, Spielberg worked hard to make Jaws seriously engaging, and seriously terrifying. Where Spielberg was innovative and inventive given his limitations, Anderson threw money at his project and assumed that would be enough.
Contrary to popular belief, MONEY DOESN'T BUY YOU TALENT. Unless you hired some else to direct the film you smug Geordie tit.
Other than that, there's not much I can say about Mr Anderson without telling you to watch some of his shite- I mean films, for yourself. They're a great watch if you're drunk. and up for a laugh. And dead.
He's the poor man's Michael Bay, and Michael Bay in general is a shallow, pop-corn director. So what does that honestly say about Mr Anderson? Personally, I see it as a big fat sign that he should have taken the fucking Blue Pill.
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