It r gd

I won't lie, I'm not in the best of moods.  A combination of low energy, no motivation and some utterly detestable people on Halo: Reach multiplayer have merged together to create a horrible troll like creature.

Well, more so horrible.

So what better mood to be in when talking about one of my favourite topics.  Shit films that everyone loves!

To begin, Transformers.  From the Michael Bay school of characterless shite that has about as much depth of a teaspoon of nothing.  Transformers returns with its next, and hopefully last incarnation of machines that pride themselves in turning into vehicles.  Because apparently, just being a humanoid machine with giant Gatling guns, heat seeking rockets and giant feet is overrated and needless.  Of course, you could claim the 'robots in disguise' line, but lets be honest, in the last 2 films, they've done a generally poor job of being 'subtle'.  Anyway, the teaser implies that the yanks sent Neil Armstrong to the moon, not to beat the Russians so they could go 'nerr nerr nerr Communism sucks' but rather to go to the dark side of the moon and inspect a massive alien wreckage.  Which brings me to the first major complaint of the new Transformers film.

It's title.

So, because the (assumed) villain was found on the dark side of the moon, the screenwriters decided to go 'full retard' (presumably like the plot) and name the film 'Transformers 3: the Dark of the Moon'.  It sound's like Pink Floyd but with part of their brain missing.  In fact, Pink Floyd is likely the reason that it's cursed with such a wank name.  Rather than simply pay the copyright costs, which would be roughly 0.00000000001% of the budget, they'd rather save a good few hundred dollars and make the title as intelligent as their audience.  Like they care right?  Because as long as they have Megan Fox they'll pay for anythi- Oh right.

Yeah, Megan Fox isn't in it.  Yes, the female lead who had men everywhere cutting holes into their pockets and making concerning grunting noises in cinemas across the western world has backed out.  After calling Michael Bay 'Hitler' and insulting the films by implying there is no acting talent (perish the thought), Megan left with Adolf Bay pissing and moaning.  She's now been replaced by a woman who looks as if she's soiling herself in every publicity stunt.  Then again that could just be because she's working with Shia LeBeoff.

Now I don't care if they spelt his name wrong because I don't care for SHEEAAA LEEEBUFFF.  The fact is, he's an actor who built a name for himself by being the bitch in everyone's films.  He was Will Smith's bitch in 'Irobot', he was Keanu Reeve's bitch in 'Constantine', he was Harrison's Ford's bitch/son hybrid in 'Indiana Jones and the Constant Flowing Teet of Money' and most recently he was Michael Douglas's bitch in 'Wall Street 2' .  But the fact is Sheep LeBeef must have a dazzling personality because he attracted the attention of one Steven Spielberg, who has since made it his mission to get Shya LeCough to be the most famous Jewish man since Jesus himself.  However, after establishing himself as an average actor in such (Spielberg produced) 'classics' like 'Disturbia' and 'Eagle Eye', he has since become living proof that you can not polish a turd.

Anyway, on to something else.

Now it's normally my tact to go into a full rant about such intellectual property like Twilight.  But the fact is I haven't seen it.  And apparently, on the internet when you make such judgements about something you haven't seen, you're a narrow minded imbecile.  So instead I'll focus, for the shortest of time, on how these this film franchise is sold, and why I perceive it as shit, but not necessarily saying that it IS shit (even though it is.  NO! my bad).

So, Twilight.  I have to be honest now, the first Twilight didn't irritate me in the slightest.  It came and went and I heard next to nothing other than it was 'good'; in the case of every pretentious book reader across the planet 'it wasn't as good as the books'.  Then 'New Moon' came around, and I was bombarded with uppity girls getting defensive over the mere mention of 'Why does he glitter?'.  I suddenly saw thousands of groups pop up on my Facebook, made by girls talking about what they would do to Edward Cullen, or Jacob Whats-his-face for those on 'Team Jacob'.  Then Eclipse showed up, selling out cinema's across the universe despite the fact that the CGI looked like it was drawn on with crayon and the acting was the equivilant of a visit to Madam Tuessauds.

So, the sequels are obviously the source of my pain and misery.  The first thing that catches my glance is the fact they stamp 'The Twilight Saga' on every film to date.  Now, I'm not sure about this but I thought Twilight was only the name of the first book? But now it's been stamped on every film just so we know that it is in fact part of a brand and that we must not forget what that brand is.  It's gotten so irritating that Stephanie Meyers herself has taken to stamping 'Twilight Saga' on books she's written that aren't even based in the Twilight saga.  My girlfriend has this book 'The Host' and under the cover art and title, in MASSIVE WRITING is 'FROM THE AUTHOR OF THE TWILIGHT SAGA'.

The worst bit is that blurb reads like a perverse sexual fantasy of a post pubescent girl.

The worst bit of news is that THE TWILIGHT SAGA'S 'Breaking Dawn' is to be split in to two films; not because Harry Potter did it, but because there are several powerful issues in the book that need to be addressed in ful- No, it's because Harry Potter did it.  Yes, Potter paved the way for the biggest new Hollywood trend since Rebooting every damn thing in existence, splitting things in half so people pay TWICE.    I don't care what any Twi-hard says, the decision to split THE TWILIGHT SAGA'S 'Breaking Dawn' in to two films was far too coincidental for my liking.  And while we're on the Potter/TWILIGHT SAGA thing, can I just state how much Cedric Diggory looks like Edward Cullen?

The best thing is, the die hard fans inevitably do more harm than good.  Not only do the rest of the world assume they're all in need of psychological help, but they cause actors like Robert Patterson to be typecast; because no matter what he does, all they will think of is Edward.

It's sort of like what I did to Chuck Norris.

Lastly, Avatar.  Please, let me say that I don't dislike this film out of some huge desire to be different and an elitist twat.  The fact is, Avatar is shallow, to the point where you can see the thought process behind James Cameron's imagining of Pandora.  Let me explain:

1)  The aliens:  'Ok, the Na'vi, they have to be different but the same, else when Jake Sully fucks one, people are going to be sick.  Ok, so we'll make them blue, not green, green is too obvious.  Right, cool, now, because the message in the film is harmony with the universe and shit, we must make them tree huggers.  So they wear loads of hippy shit and ride animals.  Cool, Oh, and they look like cats, I've always wanted to see a man fuck a cat'   OK, so I added that last bit.  'Ok, so, every other animal must have six limbs instead of the normal 4, because they're aliens and have to be different man.  I don't care if it means the Na'vi should logically have 6 limbs based off of the idea of evolution in a similar environment leads to similar evolutionary adaptation. 6 LIMBS!  Oh, and have it so the Na'vi can stick their things in them.  Oh baby!'

2) Pandora:  'Right, basically, I want everything to glow.  Because that's pretty.  Also, when it's night, I want loads of fucking fireflies, because they're pretty too.  And I want floating rocks, because it's an alien world I can say it's some geological shit which makes Pandora even more beautiful.  Oh, and waterfalls, LOADS OF WATERFALLS, running water implies FREEDOM, which is what the Na'vi are ,man, FREE.  and colourful plants, coz it's pretty'

3)  Unobtainium:  'IT'S AN ELEMENT THAT SHOULD NEVER BE OBTAINED!

4)  The story:  'I don't give a shit just rip one off.  Make it like Titanic, I love Oscars man, they're fucking cool!'

Of course, It's likely I'm wrong and the Avatar masses are right.  And James Cameron is a genius and I'm just a cynical, pessimistic, joyless wanker who can't find happiness in anything he sees.

Doesn't mean I'm any less right though!