So Pokemon Emerald has single-handedly robbed me of my time, life and motivation. The thrill of levelling up a Mudkip seems to outdo being constructive, doing something meaningful and having sex. What's worse is that I'm going to go and finish Pokemon FireRed in due time. Then SoulSilver. And after that I'll kill myself through excessive masturbation and crippling loneliness.
Of course, you didn't come here to read about my (depressing) life story, so I'm going to go on about something that will make no significance to you whatsoever.
So, Paul W.S Anderson. Today I read that Mr Anderson (Not to be confused with Neo) is touching up his new film about the Three Musketeers. Yes, that trio of loveable French musket-men who committed noble acts of heroism, engrained into French history like fine embroidery. It's tragic that the man who will reintroduce them to our current generation is the directorial equivilant of a chimp with a camera and an irrational fear of technology.
What is it that Mr Anderson has done to make me question his professional integrity? Well, unluckily for him I can list them with general and unquestionable ease.
1. Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Afterlife. As well as writing the 'story' for the other two.
2. Aliens versus Predator
3. A sequel to Blade Runner you probably never knew existed.
4. Mortal Kombat, though I'm fairly sure the hysterical nerds will claim that it's a film so bad it's good. To which I say no, it's just bad.
Of course, he has done other films. All of which were so silly in premise that I can't call them shit. Because if he meant for them to be as silly as they are, then he actually did something right. Example, Death Race.
What's particularly sad about Mr Anderson is the fact that he is so aware of the fact he isn't very good. When discussing Resident Evil: Afterlife with Empire, he went on to state that were his films acclaimed by critics, something would be wrong. And he probably wouldn't be making money.
I respect the man for his honesty, but the statement itself amplifies his sheer penisdom. He is the British equivilant of Michael Bay, but has an obscene amount of creative control. He writes the stories, he can contribute to scripts, he produces near enough everything he does, he's married to Milla Jovovich and insists she acts in nearly everyone of his films. Is it because he likes to be able to have sex while shooting on location? Is it because he wants to flaunt his penis extension? Or is it because he's a man capable of selling his wife's name as a means to get more audience viewers.
Of course, a fair assumption is that he stars Milla in his films because she's generally talented. Like Tim Burton and his sordid obsession with casting his wife and making her look particularly hideous in every one of his films. However, unlike Bonham-Carter, Jovovich is average. A woman whose big break in cinema was playing a mute alongside Bruce Willis. I like her, I honestly do, but her acting ability doesn't warrant her being cast by Mr Anderson in every film.
Mr Anderson is also a man who just can not argue the point of his films existence without sounding like an utter cock. For example, Death Race. Mr Anderson goes on to state that Death Race is a B-Movie, and one that the audiences will love (They didn't care). When asked 'why?', Mr Anderson calmly told them 'Spielberg achieved huge success with Jaws. A shark that goes around eating people. That's as B-movie as you get'. Unlike Mr Anderson however, Spielberg worked hard to make Jaws seriously engaging, and seriously terrifying. Where Spielberg was innovative and inventive given his limitations, Anderson threw money at his project and assumed that would be enough.
Contrary to popular belief, MONEY DOESN'T BUY YOU TALENT. Unless you hired some else to direct the film you smug Geordie tit.
Other than that, there's not much I can say about Mr Anderson without telling you to watch some of his shite- I mean films, for yourself. They're a great watch if you're drunk. and up for a laugh. And dead.
He's the poor man's Michael Bay, and Michael Bay in general is a shallow, pop-corn director. So what does that honestly say about Mr Anderson? Personally, I see it as a big fat sign that he should have taken the fucking Blue Pill.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Friday, 21 January 2011
Vote for me.
You'd think after shamelessly abusing students there would be nowhere left to turn in regards to easy targets. If you thought this you are quite simply a narrow minded fool who should stop reading this blog and go read a dictionary instead. Honestly, it's full of interesting things you probably never thought existed! For the rest of you, chances are you're keeping your mouth shut, and for those that don't speak to their computers, are keeping their minds closed. Because you can't seem to get a word in edgeways in this blog without getting a metaphorical grilling.
And a literal one too.
So today I'm going to verbally destroy politicians.
Politicians are so shit, that politicians often make jokes about how shit politicians are. Politicians are so wank, they spend their entire career pointing out how other politicians are wank. Politicians are so putrid and dire, that they don't even need me to explain how putrid and dire they all are. Chances are that all the relatively normal people amongst you cringed when you heard the mere mention of 'politicians', and then casually grabbed hold of your wallet in case any were about. For those that didn't, this blog isn't for you. Specifically because, you're not welcome!
There are roughly 5 billion political parties out there, and the only one that's liked, takes the piss. And all their views range from right, to far right, to far left, to diagonal upwards a bit, to a little to the bottom, yeah that's the spot, right there, oh baby, to the Monster Raving Loony party. And all of this is in aid of democracy...apparently. Yes, having the choice between so many parties means that you and me get the great satisfaction of ignoring them like attractive women ignore my very existence. All the focus is on the big three, the Twats, the Loons and the Dicks.
The Twats of course are the party that is all for Britain, providing that all of Britain is rich and expensive, and hunts small animals for fun, like real Britons. Any horrible dreg who doesn't earn roughly £1 trillion a year might as well swim to France, the anti-British cock-end. Every Twat in the Twats also can be recognised by their very distinct jowl. They eat so much cheese and wine on a regular basis that their neck has disappeared, and has been replaced by, what I assume, is an air-bag for all the times people punch them in the face. Twat supporters are generally none French trillionaires who think a street is something you do on Twitter. Any Twat supporter who earns less than £1 trillion a year is, of course, a wannabe Twat. Wannabe Twats generally support the Twats for their policies , the same policies that generally consist of bitching about the Loons, and screwing over anyone who isn't a Twat politician or works for the Daily Mail.
Notable Twats: Gary Barlow, Piers Morgan, Jim Davison, Andrew Lloyd Webber
The Loons are basically like the Twats, but not. They believe they're looking out for the interests of the working class, which would be all well and good if half the working class weren't racist and were so won over by the Twat policy of capping immigration. The Loons also follow the United States everywhere they go like a pet chimp, into Iraq and beyond. Represented by terrifying people such as the Blairs; walking into a Loon conference, you'd first assume you'd walked into the fun house. The Loons of course were responsible for the massive national debt, which makes them just as shit as the Twats, except their brand of shitness is incompetence and not say, character and personality. Loon supporters are generally Northern and hate Margaret Thatcher.
Notable Loons: Bono, Geri Halliwell, Peter Gabriel
The Dicks are the leftest of the bunch, favouring peace and love for all mankind. Where student's don't go into debt just for wanting to learn. Where Twats and Loons don't ruin everything for everyone with their strenuous and tedious power struggle. Where asylum seekers can walk hand in hand with Barry, the racist truck driver. Unfortunately for the Dicks, they have become a bitch of the Twats and thus have to go back on half their Dick policies just to see the others through. Because of the Twat-Dick coalition, Dick popularity has gone down severely, despite the fact there is next to nothing they can do. Supporters of the Dicks are, or were, students and Colin Firth; who has since renounced his support
Notable Dicks: Matthew Kelly
And there are the three main parties summed up for easy-to-digest access. I voted in the election, but you know it's a shit choice when you you spend 5 minutes in the booth. Not wanking. My own personal view is that the Twat's, Dicks and Loons need to work past their differences and form one mega party that actually looks out for the whole of Britain, instead of JUST the rich, JUST the working class, JUST the youth. You know, like an actual government.
But what do I know? I'm not a politician.
And a literal one too.
So today I'm going to verbally destroy politicians.
Politicians are so shit, that politicians often make jokes about how shit politicians are. Politicians are so wank, they spend their entire career pointing out how other politicians are wank. Politicians are so putrid and dire, that they don't even need me to explain how putrid and dire they all are. Chances are that all the relatively normal people amongst you cringed when you heard the mere mention of 'politicians', and then casually grabbed hold of your wallet in case any were about. For those that didn't, this blog isn't for you. Specifically because, you're not welcome!
There are roughly 5 billion political parties out there, and the only one that's liked, takes the piss. And all their views range from right, to far right, to far left, to diagonal upwards a bit, to a little to the bottom, yeah that's the spot, right there, oh baby, to the Monster Raving Loony party. And all of this is in aid of democracy...apparently. Yes, having the choice between so many parties means that you and me get the great satisfaction of ignoring them like attractive women ignore my very existence. All the focus is on the big three, the Twats, the Loons and the Dicks.
The Twats of course are the party that is all for Britain, providing that all of Britain is rich and expensive, and hunts small animals for fun, like real Britons. Any horrible dreg who doesn't earn roughly £1 trillion a year might as well swim to France, the anti-British cock-end. Every Twat in the Twats also can be recognised by their very distinct jowl. They eat so much cheese and wine on a regular basis that their neck has disappeared, and has been replaced by, what I assume, is an air-bag for all the times people punch them in the face. Twat supporters are generally none French trillionaires who think a street is something you do on Twitter. Any Twat supporter who earns less than £1 trillion a year is, of course, a wannabe Twat. Wannabe Twats generally support the Twats for their policies , the same policies that generally consist of bitching about the Loons, and screwing over anyone who isn't a Twat politician or works for the Daily Mail.
Notable Twats: Gary Barlow, Piers Morgan, Jim Davison, Andrew Lloyd Webber
The Loons are basically like the Twats, but not. They believe they're looking out for the interests of the working class, which would be all well and good if half the working class weren't racist and were so won over by the Twat policy of capping immigration. The Loons also follow the United States everywhere they go like a pet chimp, into Iraq and beyond. Represented by terrifying people such as the Blairs; walking into a Loon conference, you'd first assume you'd walked into the fun house. The Loons of course were responsible for the massive national debt, which makes them just as shit as the Twats, except their brand of shitness is incompetence and not say, character and personality. Loon supporters are generally Northern and hate Margaret Thatcher.
Notable Loons: Bono, Geri Halliwell, Peter Gabriel
The Dicks are the leftest of the bunch, favouring peace and love for all mankind. Where student's don't go into debt just for wanting to learn. Where Twats and Loons don't ruin everything for everyone with their strenuous and tedious power struggle. Where asylum seekers can walk hand in hand with Barry, the racist truck driver. Unfortunately for the Dicks, they have become a bitch of the Twats and thus have to go back on half their Dick policies just to see the others through. Because of the Twat-Dick coalition, Dick popularity has gone down severely, despite the fact there is next to nothing they can do. Supporters of the Dicks are, or were, students and Colin Firth; who has since renounced his support
Notable Dicks: Matthew Kelly
And there are the three main parties summed up for easy-to-digest access. I voted in the election, but you know it's a shit choice when you you spend 5 minutes in the booth. Not wanking. My own personal view is that the Twat's, Dicks and Loons need to work past their differences and form one mega party that actually looks out for the whole of Britain, instead of JUST the rich, JUST the working class, JUST the youth. You know, like an actual government.
But what do I know? I'm not a politician.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Sleep is for the Weak
Oh god, here he is again going to talk our ears off until nothing remains but two crimson mounds on either side of my face. And why in god's name is he writing it at 2 O' clock in the morning the sad bastard, does he do anything away from his computer? And why the hell am I reading this wank when I have a top heavy blonde laying in my bed with her tongue hanging out?
The blonde can wait, because I'm talking. And like L'oreal, I'm worth it.
So what am I going to yammer on about for the next 2/5 minutes? Maybe I can piss and moan about how Mario is a drug-addled turtle-killer, or how James Cameron now believes he created the Titanic if the marketing for the new film 'Sanctum 3D' is to go by. Or maybe I just want to talk a lot of bollocks and waste 5 minutes of your life, because I'm a twat. I guess we're going to find out.
Students. That's what I'm going to whine and complain and moan and cry about.
Students. These creatures are generally young, pus ridden free loaders who believe they're entitled to the world and beyond. And I should know, I am one! We're in a very desirable situation, we get given free money and are encouraged to use said free money to have a go at learning some more advanced skills, which then help us get a career that doesn't involve me selling my penis on street corners and thus going on to disappoint greasy men and women for the next 40 years. On top of that, the less well off students get free money they don't even have to pay back, ever.
And from that point onwards it goes tits up. Tories are voted in to power and thus began the inevitable raping and pillaging of universities across the country. Under the new system you're going to amass debt like nothing you would ever believe in the history of ever. And apparently this is shocking. Yes, it's shocking because the debt is forced on the student. How despicable, especially when you consider how good students are at getting into preposterous debt all by themselves. Half the student population go a grand in to their overdraft like it's a right of passage, then spend the rest of the year complaining they have no money. 'What's money when you can have a good time in the same place every night, right?' is the general response. Then 6 months later and it's 'Oh shit, I need to eat'.
So after establishing themselves as poor, what can a student do next, oh, that's right. Complain more! Yes, some students go to University because they don't feel ready to work yet, and getting free money to not work for another 3 years sounds like good news to me! So inevitably they take the easiest sounding course, says the guy who does media, and go on to complain that the essays are hard, the teachers are crap, the facilities are average and that their constant hangovers make all 9:15 starts the time of the devil.
And the most stand out issue is their general being. A typical student A.K.A the pus-ridden, free-loading, poor, whiner crybaby dresses and acts like a twat. Everyone's seen one, most of us know one. Yes, the insecure dick-head who decided that being student meant they could act as flamboyant as Boy George at a flower convention. They use social networking as a means to put quirky, kiss arse updates to ensure all their hallow husk-friends can see how flamboyant and eccentric they are. They're the ones who get pissed and are generally outrageous, and by outrageous I mean sickeningly embarrassing. The ones who will wear whatever's popular, even if it's only popular with the other sex. And if anyone doesn't like it well you're just a hard-nosed, judgemental wanker who needs to learn a lesson in tolerance. And as true as that might be, at least I don't dress like a cock.
Was there any point to this? No, it's a blog. It's a blog that I shamelessly sell on Facebook in the belief that one day I will be recognised for my raw talent and good looks, but until the day comes where I have raw talent and good looks, I'm just going to have to persist like an irritating skin rash, and look like one too. I'm under no illusion that there's a total of 4 people who read this, half of which will think I'm an unreasonable douche-bag. And again, as true as that might be...well, it's just true actually.
The blonde can wait, because I'm talking. And like L'oreal, I'm worth it.
So what am I going to yammer on about for the next 2/5 minutes? Maybe I can piss and moan about how Mario is a drug-addled turtle-killer, or how James Cameron now believes he created the Titanic if the marketing for the new film 'Sanctum 3D' is to go by. Or maybe I just want to talk a lot of bollocks and waste 5 minutes of your life, because I'm a twat. I guess we're going to find out.
Students. That's what I'm going to whine and complain and moan and cry about.
Students. These creatures are generally young, pus ridden free loaders who believe they're entitled to the world and beyond. And I should know, I am one! We're in a very desirable situation, we get given free money and are encouraged to use said free money to have a go at learning some more advanced skills, which then help us get a career that doesn't involve me selling my penis on street corners and thus going on to disappoint greasy men and women for the next 40 years. On top of that, the less well off students get free money they don't even have to pay back, ever.
And from that point onwards it goes tits up. Tories are voted in to power and thus began the inevitable raping and pillaging of universities across the country. Under the new system you're going to amass debt like nothing you would ever believe in the history of ever. And apparently this is shocking. Yes, it's shocking because the debt is forced on the student. How despicable, especially when you consider how good students are at getting into preposterous debt all by themselves. Half the student population go a grand in to their overdraft like it's a right of passage, then spend the rest of the year complaining they have no money. 'What's money when you can have a good time in the same place every night, right?' is the general response. Then 6 months later and it's 'Oh shit, I need to eat'.
So after establishing themselves as poor, what can a student do next, oh, that's right. Complain more! Yes, some students go to University because they don't feel ready to work yet, and getting free money to not work for another 3 years sounds like good news to me! So inevitably they take the easiest sounding course, says the guy who does media, and go on to complain that the essays are hard, the teachers are crap, the facilities are average and that their constant hangovers make all 9:15 starts the time of the devil.
And the most stand out issue is their general being. A typical student A.K.A the pus-ridden, free-loading, poor, whiner crybaby dresses and acts like a twat. Everyone's seen one, most of us know one. Yes, the insecure dick-head who decided that being student meant they could act as flamboyant as Boy George at a flower convention. They use social networking as a means to put quirky, kiss arse updates to ensure all their hallow husk-friends can see how flamboyant and eccentric they are. They're the ones who get pissed and are generally outrageous, and by outrageous I mean sickeningly embarrassing. The ones who will wear whatever's popular, even if it's only popular with the other sex. And if anyone doesn't like it well you're just a hard-nosed, judgemental wanker who needs to learn a lesson in tolerance. And as true as that might be, at least I don't dress like a cock.
Was there any point to this? No, it's a blog. It's a blog that I shamelessly sell on Facebook in the belief that one day I will be recognised for my raw talent and good looks, but until the day comes where I have raw talent and good looks, I'm just going to have to persist like an irritating skin rash, and look like one too. I'm under no illusion that there's a total of 4 people who read this, half of which will think I'm an unreasonable douche-bag. And again, as true as that might be...well, it's just true actually.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Blogcraft
MMORPG - Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game A.K.A The dreaded Time Sponge A.K.A Where did the last few years of your life go?
Notable games:
World of Warcraft
E.V.E Online
War-hammer
Conan
DC Universe Online
Also expect:
Star Wars: The Old republic
Now, take a good long look at these 6 games, and pay significant attention to the top game. Combined, these games have taken a few hundred lifetimes of hours away from gamers. And they've only been out a decade? Made by companies who claim that they want to make an experience where everyone can enjoy each others company while exploring a rich game world.
As well as that might be, there is a small print. They want your soul in exchange.
Yes, buy these games and play with hundreds of random people you've never met before. Collect items, become the ultimate 'fuck you' bad ass among another hundred thousand 'fuck you' bad asses Blend in seamlessly with hundreds of other people who think the burden of real life is too much to take. Bond over the fact that the opposite sex is over rated and that your guild mates are the only friendship you ever need. For anyone that said 'well there's a member of the opposite sex in my guild' then well done you, you must tell me how the cyber sex works out. All the developer and publisher want in exchange is for you to dedicate enough hours of your life to the game to justify paying £10 a month for the rest of your sodding life.
Now, obviously I sound very much against the notion of MMORPGs, and I'm not. To dislike an entire genre when I've never really experienced it is the same kind of hypocrisy that I've been winging about over the last 8 or so blogs. But that doesn't mean I can't formulate my own opinion regarding it, from what I've seen. And what I've seen baffles my incredible mind. INCREDIBLE MIND!
Now, I'm going to concentrate my attention on the grand daddy, apparently the greatest MMORPG and apparently apparently one of the best games to ever exist in the history of ever. It's also one of the most influential, but to argue against that is like arguing that the Chinese don't live in China.
So yes, World of Warcraft is one of the, if not the most influential game out today. Why? Because it makes a lot of bloody money. And when a game makes a lot of bloody money, a lot of big publishers go 'ooh, I want to make a lot of bloody money too!'. But why does it make a lot of bloody money?
I don't think I could tell you, because I am but one side to the 3 massive armies. From the mountains of Azeroth live the World of Warcraft faithful. The people I specified not 4 paragraphs ago. Down on the plains of Earth are the people who look up at them thinking 'what the fuck are they all doing up there?'. This is me and any other person who has never touched World of Warcraft before. We're the brand of gamers who don't understand the appeal of being called 'n00b' on a regular basis, or don't like going on irritating fetch quests, or don't like the idea of paying a tenner a month for a game we've already bought.
Guess you can call us old fashioned
And the third party, are the people who come down from the mountain. The recovering addicts, fresh from their Warcraft anonymous meetings, pledging never to take their Cow-man out to raid ever again. But on lonely nights he shakes, staring at his PC and swears it's talking to him.
PC: Come Averein! Play World of Warcraft. The new expansion pack has just been released. Things are different.
Averein: No! My name is Robert! Averein is dead! He's dead you hear me!?
Averein: No! My name is Robert! Averein is dead! He's dead you hear me!?
PC: He can live again. He just needs you. The power of your love (and money) will heal his spirit
And so on, and so on.
Now, the most constructive thing to do would be to have an opinion from all 3 sides. But fuck that, you came here to hear me, and me alone, so that's what you're going to get! The fact is I know people who play World of Warcraft, and I listen to pod casts starring people who play World of Warcraft. The best outside opinion you're going to get is this tiny tale about my friend, who vowed to never get into World of Warcraft ever again. Instead he chose to speak fondly of the mass time he spent on it. I guess you would consider him the recovering addict.
Well I would too until he bought the recent expansion pack, Cataclysm, and has probably already clocked a few hundred million hours on it.
And there it is.
World of Warcraft makes so much money because it has a power equatable to alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. It's addictive, to an unhealthy degree. Blizzard is the gaming equivilant of Marlboro cigarettes, charging their customers regularly to sap their lives away. It's a harsh comparison but one that needs to be made. If the game relied more on seamless storytelling instead of grind quests (again, I'm speaking from what I've heard) then I wouldn't have room to complain. A game praised for length should therefore be judged for how much content it offers. Padding doesn't count.
Before any World of Warcraft leader goes into a frenzy of either hate, denial or masturbation. I want to clarify one more thing. I know for a fact that were I to climb the mountain of Azeroth, I wouldn't come back down for a good long while. And if I ever did, I would be resemble someone who has been on Crystal Meth for twenty years. So don't think that I write this blog as a means to look down upon any of you, because chances are I'm secretly worse than all of you put together.
I'd still be smoking hot though.
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
He lives under a bridge.
There is a curious creature in the metaphorical wonderland of the internet. It doesn't visit the wondrous art galleries of DeviantArteria, or read through the infinite archives of wikipedium, or even perv on young virgins in the epic metropolis of Facebookia. No, instead this creature donates its time to more curious things. It hides in wait for something eagerly anticipated, awaits for the giddy people to gather round, then proceed to jump out and throw its shit everywhere.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This foul smelling beast is an Internet Troll. And like real life trolls they live under bridges...Sorta.
OK, so my attempts at creating a new fictional fantasy universe themed around the internet, stealing many of Tolkien's original ideas and shamelessly re-branding-them-only-not, is falling through. So I shall resume this blog in the boring real world sense.
Internet trolls are those horrible little bastards that sit on their arses, complaining about things in the hopes that people listen to them...
...
Before you say 'like you' please note that I am not LITTLE, so it can't possibly apply to me!
Stop it!
But seriously, the internet troll has no point. They don't write blogs to provide any constructive opinion, they don't want people to see the way they're thinking, they don't even care that people can smell them all the way from the other side of the damn planet.
So why do these horrible little, LITTLE, bastards get an entire blog dedicated to how truly horrible and repugnant they are? Well, shamelessly it's down to an extreme personal dislike involving a very current real world example.
One of my favourite Xbox 360 games is Dragon Age.
'Ah' you say, realising you are more cooler than me than you first thought. 'Dragon Age eh? I assume then that this is a fantasy RPG based around Tolkien's original ideas involving shameless re-branding-but-not' to which I say 'No, you're wrong! It's a DARK fantasy RPG based around Tolkien's original ideas involving shameless re-branding-but-not'. To which I wield my cardboard shield and sword in your general direction.
But seriously, Dragon Age is a great game. It's a game with slow, clunky gameplay and visuals that resemble my toilet after a shitting-and-vomiting virus. But it made up for this with a brilliant story, incredibly compelling characters, fantastic dialogue and the fact I could commit lesbian sex with a French woman. The other main appeal of Dragon Age is that it is a 'classic' RPG, in a fast adapting world that's starting to think the old formula is a bit dated and in need of re jigging.
Dragon Age also got very good review scores, averaging about 91 on metacritic. This meant that Bioware, the game's developers were ready to develop it into a fully fledged franchise similar to the likes of Mass Effect. So, on they went to make Dragon Age 2, a game which HAD to be better than the original. So the gameplay had to be improved, the graphics had to upgrade past 'Oh look, brown.' and of course they had to include more shaggable characters. And by shaggable I mean Compelling.
This meant they had to make several improvements, none of which I care to list here!
'So what does this have to do with Internet Trolls?' you say.
Simply put, because Bioware are improving the aspects that made Dragon Age the classical RPG, every nerd is weeping into his suspiciously crusty sock. And instead of being hopeful or constructive they have instead decided they will berate the game to such a degree that the developer and publisher will cry into their laurels, burn all progress and make Dragon Age 1...again.
Of course, the developers ignore them.
And the nerds transformed into Trolls
And thus the poo flinging began.
Every video and article for Dragon Age 2 is being attacked by trolls. Find one and see if you wish. The comments normally consist of 'ORIGINS FOREVER'.
Now this is the part of the blog where I go into my conclusion, and normally being the understanding person I am, I'll suggest ways for internet trolls to instead consider that the game might be good, and that they shouldn't judge it until they've played it.
However, internet trolls don't listen to reason. or understanding. Only irrationality, stupidity and ignorance can penetrate that thick brain.
So for any internet troll, this is for you.
OMG YOU'RE SUCH AN UGLY BASTARD WHY DON'T YOU WAIT TILL THE GAME COMES OUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE YOU FAGGOT WITH NO FRIENDS I BET YOU JUST WANT DRAGON AGE ORIGINS AGAIN SO YOU CAN HAVE GAY SEX WITH ZEVRAN LOL
for everyone else, please don't judge me. :(
Sunday, 16 January 2011
The 'not about games' blog.
Here it is!
The fabled none gaming blog!
It sucks too because I had a good topic for games, specifically the roll of the internet troll and innova- NO! bad Alex. That's a complaint for another time.
SO!
Films.
Where to start?
Oh god!? Where to start!?
...
OK, I have something.
*ahem*
So, 3D, that wonderful little technology that has come and gone from cinema screens since way back in the 80s. Unlike the 80s however there is this very large argument among the film elitist, the pretentious, the open-minded and the 'who-gives-a-crap' audiences around the world. And while I'm partial to agree with the 'who-gives-a-crap' audience it also means I sympathise with the same brain dead filmtards that thought Skyline was good.
Which it wasn't.
So I guess this means I'm open minded/pretentious. Nothing new there then. There are several reasons I'm sat on the fence. Therefore, I am going to list the Pros and Cons of 3D, and whichever list wins will decide which side of the fence I fall off of after getting hideously pissed and thinking I'm Superman. And with that, We'll start with the Cons!
Every film that stamps 3D on the title immediately shits on the proposed feel and tone of the film. For example, Seth Rogan was insistent that the Green Hornet would be just as personal and involving as it was funny. Then he stamped 3D on the end of the title and suddenly it looked as if his 'personal and involving' was trying to lure in the kids. Which, even written down, doesn't sound right.
But 3D does immerse you in the world. When I saw Beowulf, How to Train Your Dragon, Avatar and Toy Story in three dimensions, I became entirely unaware of the fact I was wearing ridiculous head gear. It fleshed out the figures in the most aesthetic sense, and it also allowed for some more innovative film-making techniques. One example is, and I can't believe I'm using this, Avatar! Yes, James Cameron filmed a perspective shot inside a moving helicopter. The use of 3D made it feel like you were genuinely inside the helicopter with the others, which was incredible.
However, 3D has this horrible habit of involving the 'who-gives-a-shit' audience, the awful audience whose attention can be bought with a lollipop and a firework display, preferably indoors. And worse yet, there's a lot of the bastards. And because of this increased sale revenue for anything with 3D stamped on the end, every studio and their granny wants any film with a budget to use 3D. Worse still, you get shit, money crazed directors like Paul W.S Anderson of Resident Evil fame making MORE RESIDENT EVIL FILMS. If you want to know why that's so bad, go watch a Resident Evil film. Or to save you from wasting two hours of your life and contemplating suicide, go watch a trailer on You tube.
Regardless of opinion, this recent influx of 3D is a major game changer, something that hasn't occurred until the last major tech upgrade. And lets be honest, when those happen the audience very rarely notice. 3D is a genuine aesthetic upgrade where even the naive, such as myself, can blatantly see a difference. I'm not saying 3D should be in every film, but should a director want to use 3D on his big budget film because he thinks it will enhance it. He should not be denied.
And that's the problem isn't it. Because most of the good film makers out there don't see 3D as anything else but a gimmick. The directors that adore the prospect of 3D just want more cash so they can buy their new Rolls Royce and the 3 prostitutes that go with it; I'm looking at you Spielberg and Lucas. So long as the good directors don't see the potential and the bad directors see the cash, every 3D film WILL be gimmicky, and therefore inherently awful.
You're just a pessimistic arsehole
Least I'm not a deluded prick
Yeah, well. Fuck yo-
So there you have it, the only Pros and Cons that I could muster up in this very brief, and concerning, argument to myself. And I'll tell you what, I'm still on the fence.
Any of you now winging that there are obviously 3 cons there, so I should therefore be pretentious and stop being so pedantic!
So here is why, I see the potential of 3D. I see that with the appropriate film techniques, love, care and resolve, 3D can be something more than a 'OOH Axe in your face' experience. 3D, done right, can involve an audience in a way no 2D film has. The problem of course is that so long as directors think all it is good for is a 'OOOH Axe in your face' experience, nothing is going to change. No heads will turn. And those people who once made the film industry what it is, will just cause an unnecessary stagnation in development.
And that's another reason why George Lucas sucks.
The fabled none gaming blog!
It sucks too because I had a good topic for games, specifically the roll of the internet troll and innova- NO! bad Alex. That's a complaint for another time.
SO!
Films.
Where to start?
Oh god!? Where to start!?
...
OK, I have something.
*ahem*
So, 3D, that wonderful little technology that has come and gone from cinema screens since way back in the 80s. Unlike the 80s however there is this very large argument among the film elitist, the pretentious, the open-minded and the 'who-gives-a-crap' audiences around the world. And while I'm partial to agree with the 'who-gives-a-crap' audience it also means I sympathise with the same brain dead filmtards that thought Skyline was good.
Which it wasn't.
So I guess this means I'm open minded/pretentious. Nothing new there then. There are several reasons I'm sat on the fence. Therefore, I am going to list the Pros and Cons of 3D, and whichever list wins will decide which side of the fence I fall off of after getting hideously pissed and thinking I'm Superman. And with that, We'll start with the Cons!
Every film that stamps 3D on the title immediately shits on the proposed feel and tone of the film. For example, Seth Rogan was insistent that the Green Hornet would be just as personal and involving as it was funny. Then he stamped 3D on the end of the title and suddenly it looked as if his 'personal and involving' was trying to lure in the kids. Which, even written down, doesn't sound right.
But 3D does immerse you in the world. When I saw Beowulf, How to Train Your Dragon, Avatar and Toy Story in three dimensions, I became entirely unaware of the fact I was wearing ridiculous head gear. It fleshed out the figures in the most aesthetic sense, and it also allowed for some more innovative film-making techniques. One example is, and I can't believe I'm using this, Avatar! Yes, James Cameron filmed a perspective shot inside a moving helicopter. The use of 3D made it feel like you were genuinely inside the helicopter with the others, which was incredible.
However, 3D has this horrible habit of involving the 'who-gives-a-shit' audience, the awful audience whose attention can be bought with a lollipop and a firework display, preferably indoors. And worse yet, there's a lot of the bastards. And because of this increased sale revenue for anything with 3D stamped on the end, every studio and their granny wants any film with a budget to use 3D. Worse still, you get shit, money crazed directors like Paul W.S Anderson of Resident Evil fame making MORE RESIDENT EVIL FILMS. If you want to know why that's so bad, go watch a Resident Evil film. Or to save you from wasting two hours of your life and contemplating suicide, go watch a trailer on You tube.
Regardless of opinion, this recent influx of 3D is a major game changer, something that hasn't occurred until the last major tech upgrade. And lets be honest, when those happen the audience very rarely notice. 3D is a genuine aesthetic upgrade where even the naive, such as myself, can blatantly see a difference. I'm not saying 3D should be in every film, but should a director want to use 3D on his big budget film because he thinks it will enhance it. He should not be denied.
And that's the problem isn't it. Because most of the good film makers out there don't see 3D as anything else but a gimmick. The directors that adore the prospect of 3D just want more cash so they can buy their new Rolls Royce and the 3 prostitutes that go with it; I'm looking at you Spielberg and Lucas. So long as the good directors don't see the potential and the bad directors see the cash, every 3D film WILL be gimmicky, and therefore inherently awful.
You're just a pessimistic arsehole
Least I'm not a deluded prick
Yeah, well. Fuck yo-
So there you have it, the only Pros and Cons that I could muster up in this very brief, and concerning, argument to myself. And I'll tell you what, I'm still on the fence.
Any of you now winging that there are obviously 3 cons there, so I should therefore be pretentious and stop being so pedantic!
So here is why, I see the potential of 3D. I see that with the appropriate film techniques, love, care and resolve, 3D can be something more than a 'OOH Axe in your face' experience. 3D, done right, can involve an audience in a way no 2D film has. The problem of course is that so long as directors think all it is good for is a 'OOOH Axe in your face' experience, nothing is going to change. No heads will turn. And those people who once made the film industry what it is, will just cause an unnecessary stagnation in development.
And that's another reason why George Lucas sucks.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
The chip on your shoulder...Is that your head!?
I promise that my next blog will be film related. Why do I promise this to roughly 5 people who actually read my blog? Because about half of those 5 people (yes, that is 2.5 people, My readership defies logic) don't understand what the hell it is I'm going on about when I talk about games. And while I like to believe I'm not a person that goes out of his way to cater for the masses, I also don't want to go about repulsing only people that willingly read the shite I peddle on the internet.
So as you've guessed, this is another gaming related blog (Please don't go...). My last blog ended on a note that I wish to expand upon because I feel it left the wrong impression. I ended on the note that 'I could have mentioned PC and they'd all be fucked' which in turn makes me sound like one of the most horrifying species on the face of the Earth. Worse than the repugnant blob fish, worse still than the unprovoked, angry wasp, EVEN WORSE, than me!
Ladies and gentlemen, I of course mean, the stuck-up PC gamer.
Not to be confused with your average PC gamer. The person who plays football manager because statistics provide the kind of orgasm that their imaginary woman can't. The person who plays the Sims 3 because raising a family then burning it to the ground is one of life's greatest sadistic pleasures. The person who plays Civilization to indulge their fantasies of one day ruling the planet by way of of permanent alliance with Julius Caesar. All these people are those that play games (generally) without hope and agenda and just want to have fun.
Now the stuck up PC gamer....
The stuck up PC gamer is primarily the kind of gamer that adores rubbing your face in their achievements, despite the fact their achievements are none existent in the real world. One example is when I was a teenager, and one of my acquaintances caught wind of the fact that I like Civilization. Instead of bonding over what made the game great, my acquaintance instead wanted to brag about how fast he could research 'gunpowder'. It's as bad as it sounds.
The stuck up PC gamer is also the kind of person that likes to bore you with how awesome their computer hardware is. They spend a ridiculous amount of money to make their computer more like a T-800 than an actual computer. I half expect these computers to utter phrases like 'I'll be back' instead of allowing me to set my Sims on fire as they sleep, in glorious detail. They also own ridiculously expensive keyboards with unnecessary keys and cushions to comfort your hands so you don't become aware of the fact you've not let your computer to eat, piss, sleep in 3 days.
If you have read the last 2 paragraphs and thought 'Oh dear, that's me' then fear not. There is one final thing that makes the PC nerd, a stuck up PC gamer. The stuck up PC gamer commits that same repulsive, discriminatory attitude that console fan boys adopt, that I mentioned in the last blog. But the stuck up PC gamer is worse, much worse. Whereas the console fan boy is normally a witless idiot who has never been touched in his special place, he is still all about having fun on his damn console. The hardcore PS3 gamer will ultimately recognise that Uncharted is a great game because he had fun.
The stuck up PC gamer must be superior, at all times, so his games must be beyond fun. They must have graft, hard work, hours of dedication, constant masturbation and more! They must be more hardcore than these hardcore console philistines. Their games can reach graphical perfection, whereas the consoles scurry in the dirt like insects. They must represent, look down at everything these consoles do. EVERYTHING. And should anyone own a console, such as their 7 year old sister and her Wii, they must be disowned for their shear stupidity and cultural stagnation.
I hope it relieves several of you reading this to know, I know no-one like this.
Of course, the best thing about stuck up PC gamers is how much they're actually shat on by console gamers. Consoles are the big thing in gaming, developers...develop games on consoles and usually port them over elsewhere. This means that most third party games on the PC are to console standard, and the best these stuck up Gamers can get is a nicer shine and polish. Of course, Stuck up PC gamers have exclusive games like EVE Online and World of Warcraft, but in my opinion that is more of a reason to pity them.
All in all, I play on my PC like I play on my console. But to assume that my PC is better than my console is to assume that I am better than most people because I am taller.
Which is probably true actually.
Friday, 14 January 2011
Mine's better, it's all I can afford.
In the mood for some light reading? After this blog, may I suggest that you go to IGN and select an article on the PS3 or the Xbox 360, ignore the article then scroll down to the comments. Chances are, the comments section is full of bile. Pre, Post, and anything in-between pubescent boys go at each other like King Kong and Godzilla. Actually, that's a terrible metaphor, because King Kong fighting Godzilla is at least cool. Instead, these Pre, Post and anything in-between pubescent boys go at each other like whiny little bitches with an insecurity complex.
Of course, I am talking of the timeless argument of 'Your console is shit, mine is incredible'. An act of nerdish discrimination and preposterous almost-but-nowhere-near gang violence that has plagued gaming for as long as I can remember . As a child, I bore witness to the legendary feud between Nintendo and Sega, as they fought for generations! I of course, like any nerdy, young hermit at the time took sides, my allegiance with Sega. Sonic held far more appeal to me as an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog who goes around beating the shit out of robots and fat, moustached men than Nintendo, where I got to play as a fat, moustached man. But I, like any right minded child of the time looked on at Nintendo yearning to try Mario out. The fact is Mario looked just as fun as Sonic, in his own fat, moustached way. And coincidently, it was everything I expected.
Taken out of context, that last sentence implies many a things wrong with me.
Sadly, as present day proves, I was sided with the losing team. After the Playstation asserted itself as Nintendo's biggest threat, and Sega released another (Perceived, I shan't have this argument now!) Turkey in the form of the Dreamcast; Sega's console fate was decided. Well, that and the fact that every Sonic game in recent memory has been the equivilant of sticking your balls in a super-heated vice.
Nintendo then lost some footing in the console war with the Gamecube, a good console that was only beaten because it's competition was better. The PS2 was a beautiful machine, and one that looked as if it were to monopolise it's current generation of gaming. Until a giant black and green behemoth emerged from the dark shadows of Bill Gates's wallet. The Xbox.
The only thing the xbox had for it at the time was marketing, but with someone as ridiculously rich as Bill 'Oh I fancy living in Taiwan this week' Gates behind you, you can't go wrong in that regard. Coupled with stellar Online capabilities, the Xbox cemented itself as one to watch. And did it deliver; the 360 was the first console out of the newer generation gates; the first incite into the next gen. Followed by the Wii, and then followed cumbersomely by Playstation 3. All chasing the golden rabbit of success. Why success is a golden rabbit, I can not say.
The fact is, this generation is the best yet. And it harks back to the days of Sega versus Nintendo, when two really good consoles with really good games fought it out. I own an Xbox 360, mainly for it's Online capabilities and some of the gaming franchises that were becoming available. Also because I was sick of waiting for the PS3 to come out. But the fact is, as an exclusive 360 owner, and as an avid gamer this isn't something to be proud of.
And here's why.
By backing yourself into a corner, hugging your console like it's the first woman that ever talked to you, all the while boarding up your house with 'Keep out Gaystation 3' and 'Nintendo is wee', you are stopping yourself from trying out varieties of different games, all of which offer different, and (for the most part) fun experiences. You're basically some absolute nerd who honestly DOES believe Halo Reach is the best looking game ever, because you never took the effort to notice that the PS3 can make your eyes ORGASM.
And the reverse is true enough, PS3 owners like to go on and on how this will be the year that the Playstation kills the 360, which it never does. Ever. Why? Because the 360 adapts a hell of a lot better than the Playstation, who often dismiss most hardware innovations as a gimmick. And what's even more baffling is how the most successful console of the 3, the Nintendo Wii, is looked at with disgust and hypocritical elitism. The console that makes everything horribly casual and is ruining the games industry, and not say, attracting a lot of POSITIVE attention to the damn market.
Basically, it's a feud that's built off of shear narrow mindedness, and cheapness. Instead of trying to justify the fact they can only afford one console, why not embrace the fact that theirs is good in it's own way, all the while acknowledging exactly the same about the others. But then again, that requires too much thought, and considering that about 60% of the gaming market are people that go on shooting games, hide amongst a lot of rocks with a long range gun, I believe this lesson will be ignored and possibly spat on.
Of course, I could have mentioned the PC and they'd all be fucked.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Shiny Shiny
So, my mood has improved which means two things.
1) I am not really in the mood for berating awful things like Transformers, Twilight and Avatar.
B) Therefore my blog will undoubtedly suffer for it.
But fear not! I'm a person who can talk about anything and make it interesting. So this blog shall be dedicated to Butter. That's right! That creamy sweet substance you spread on bread and other such stuff. Where to start? Of course, we could talk about how Butter has gone through a metamorphosis, and what was once perceived as a heart attack spread has since-
Oh fuck this lets insult the idea of remastering games.
Yes, going back to my very first blog, games are trying their damned hardest to impersonate films. To the degree they now treat the old games like people with Blu-Rays treat DVDs.
'Why should I have to play my beloved classic with it's awful graphics while the youth of today gets to play their favourite games in glorious HD?" says the spiteful, graphics are more important than game-play moron.
'It gives us a chance to see the game how it was supposed to look' says the naive cock-end
'Why not?' says the smartest, least pretentious of the 3.
Now, I want to first say that I own both Pokemon Fire-red and Pokemon Soul-Silver. Both are remakes of the Red and Silver respectively. And I love them. More than I love cake. And sleeping. And my girlfriend. But the reason I love them so much is because Nintendo did what they did best. They kept the formula exactly the same and changed NOTHING but the graphics. Of course, they incorporated the new Pokemon in there, post Elite 4. And tweaked the battling to match the Diamond/Pearl system. All very, very, very boring.
But the fact is, it felt like Pokemon. Exactly the way I remembered it. Looking down at all those midget people as they harassed you with their enslaved monsters. Approaching you with ABSURD dialogue before starting a battle ('Do you like to wear shorts?'). Consistently beating your rival, then being dumbfounded as he returned even more arrogant. Meeting Mewtwo. Getting a Charizard.
The list goes on and on.
But now the console franchises are getting in on the action. To compliment the release of God of War 3, Kratos popped his zits, put on some make up and got heavy on the pixels as the first two games were remastered. Lara Croft is returning in remastered versions of the original Tomb Raider games, probably to show off her high definition breasts. And then every sad-act and their mother is getting wet over the prospect of a remastered Final Fantasy 7.
Now, here is where I talk negatively for a good paragraph or two.
But not yet. You see, God of War 3 was a really big deal; and it's irritating to have the final instalment on an entirely different platform. Especially the graphical behemoth that is the PS3, in comparison to it's modest PS2 daddy. So it would be nice to have consistent graphics in the entire series. I sympathise with this because of my disturbed and perverted relationship with the Halo franchise. After playing Reach, I immediately went to play Halo 1, for an actual story (HOOO). My jaw dropped when I realised that it wasn't as pretty as Reach. The Elite's faces were melded into their armour, Master Chief looked as if he was dunked in metallic green paint. And the environments in general looked as if they were made of Lego. This doesn't detract from how good the game is; but going between those two extremes can really take you out the immersion for a little bit.
What I'm trying to say is, if you're wanting to keep a sense of consistency with graphics in your stories, then go ahead; it makes sense.
So now! The abuse! Does Lara Croft really need remastering? Do her games being remastered add anything to the Lara Croft franchise? To me, it looks as if it's just a gimmick to attract those older, hardcore fans that have since moved on to the likes of Nathan Drake for platforming, tomb robbing fun. But the kicker is that Lara's graphical update isn't overseen by her original creators, but rather her new pimps Crystal Dynamics. Yes, people who had nothing to do with the Original games are remastering the original games. Crystal Dynamics, a developer whose most critically acclaimed Lara Croft outing was the recently released xbox live arcade game. The same developer who haven't hit the nail on the head yet in regards to her traditional platforming, endangered species murdering romps? Why?
It's like me remastering the Beatles. By playing all their parts.
It's remastering because it sounds good. And because the graphics argument wins over 60% of the fucktards in the gaming market.
So now, on to Final Fantasy 7. I have a friend named Sean, who goes on about the possible Final Fantasy 7 remakes, and every time he does he needs a pants change. Online, you can't go to a single gaming website and not hear about people wanting Square Enix to announce the remake.
Ask most Final Fantasy fans and they'll tell you that either 6,7 or 10 was their favourite. All coincidently were made by Square SOFT before they were eaten by the metaphorical business whale that was Something-something Enix. And thus Square Enix was created! A company that was Square in name only; and thus the Final Fantasy games that are never as good as the old days are born!
Sean, my friend, describes Final Fantasy 13 as a good game, just not as good as the older games. IGN, describe Final Fantasy 13 as the most disappointing game of 2010. What both Sean and IGN have in common is that they both want a remastered version of Final Fantasy 7 ASAP. That's right. They want a remastered version of their favourite Final Fantasy game made by the people who make mediocre Final Fantasy games.
This is not how things should be remade, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, Sean said to me a while back that the original creative force behind Final Fantasy 7 was interested in the remake. Now, were Square Enix to take them on and let them have complete control in the remake, then why not? Let them. But honestly, if this game is going to be shat out by the people who have no idea what made Final Fantasy one of the biggest gaming powerhouses of 90s, then why would you want it? Why would you want a game that is likely only going to disappoint? and shit on your memories? or just make you go and play the original, thus DESTROYING the point of remastering it in the first place?
I believe remastering is a necessary evil, especially with most big games publishers preferring to stick to what sells, as opposed to taking risks on new ideas. I don't malign the idea of a Final Fantasy remake because it's mostly fan demand, my issue is that the people that remaster these games don't really give a shit about what it is they're playing with. Pokemon was remastered brilliantly, because Nintendo knew their franchise the only way Nintendo could. They didn't approach it as some obese 40 year old fan-boy living in his mums basement looking at it in a way only he could. No, Nintendo looked at Pokemon the same way they did at the end of the 90s, and that's why it worked. The same can be said for God Of War, the same creative force remastering the graphics and adding consistency beyond the series. A remastered Lara Croft is just going to be a nicer looking Tomb Raider with outdated gameplay, and were Crystal Dynamics to make their own adjustments, they'd likely be crap.
Final Fantasy 7 remake is hard to say. The story will be the same and the graphics will no doubt make my eyes wet their pants in joy. But chances are that if it's made without those who made it what it was, Enix will balls it up somehow.
And as funny as that would be, it'll make the people's pleas for a remastering of Final Fantasy 10 all the more unbearable.
Monday, 10 January 2011
It r gd
I won't lie, I'm not in the best of moods. A combination of low energy, no motivation and some utterly detestable people on Halo: Reach multiplayer have merged together to create a horrible troll like creature.
Well, more so horrible.
So what better mood to be in when talking about one of my favourite topics. Shit films that everyone loves!
To begin, Transformers. From the Michael Bay school of characterless shite that has about as much depth of a teaspoon of nothing. Transformers returns with its next, and hopefully last incarnation of machines that pride themselves in turning into vehicles. Because apparently, just being a humanoid machine with giant Gatling guns, heat seeking rockets and giant feet is overrated and needless. Of course, you could claim the 'robots in disguise' line, but lets be honest, in the last 2 films, they've done a generally poor job of being 'subtle'. Anyway, the teaser implies that the yanks sent Neil Armstrong to the moon, not to beat the Russians so they could go 'nerr nerr nerr Communism sucks' but rather to go to the dark side of the moon and inspect a massive alien wreckage. Which brings me to the first major complaint of the new Transformers film.
It's title.
So, because the (assumed) villain was found on the dark side of the moon, the screenwriters decided to go 'full retard' (presumably like the plot) and name the film 'Transformers 3: the Dark of the Moon'. It sound's like Pink Floyd but with part of their brain missing. In fact, Pink Floyd is likely the reason that it's cursed with such a wank name. Rather than simply pay the copyright costs, which would be roughly 0.00000000001% of the budget, they'd rather save a good few hundred dollars and make the title as intelligent as their audience. Like they care right? Because as long as they have Megan Fox they'll pay for anythi- Oh right.
Yeah, Megan Fox isn't in it. Yes, the female lead who had men everywhere cutting holes into their pockets and making concerning grunting noises in cinemas across the western world has backed out. After calling Michael Bay 'Hitler' and insulting the films by implying there is no acting talent (perish the thought), Megan left with Adolf Bay pissing and moaning. She's now been replaced by a woman who looks as if she's soiling herself in every publicity stunt. Then again that could just be because she's working with Shia LeBeoff.
Now I don't care if they spelt his name wrong because I don't care for SHEEAAA LEEEBUFFF. The fact is, he's an actor who built a name for himself by being the bitch in everyone's films. He was Will Smith's bitch in 'Irobot', he was Keanu Reeve's bitch in 'Constantine', he was Harrison's Ford's bitch/son hybrid in 'Indiana Jones and the Constant Flowing Teet of Money' and most recently he was Michael Douglas's bitch in 'Wall Street 2' . But the fact is Sheep LeBeef must have a dazzling personality because he attracted the attention of one Steven Spielberg, who has since made it his mission to get Shya LeCough to be the most famous Jewish man since Jesus himself. However, after establishing himself as an average actor in such (Spielberg produced) 'classics' like 'Disturbia' and 'Eagle Eye', he has since become living proof that you can not polish a turd.
Anyway, on to something else.
Now it's normally my tact to go into a full rant about such intellectual property like Twilight. But the fact is I haven't seen it. And apparently, on the internet when you make such judgements about something you haven't seen, you're a narrow minded imbecile. So instead I'll focus, for the shortest of time, on how these this film franchise is sold, and why I perceive it as shit, but not necessarily saying that it IS shit (even though it is. NO! my bad).
So, Twilight. I have to be honest now, the first Twilight didn't irritate me in the slightest. It came and went and I heard next to nothing other than it was 'good'; in the case of every pretentious book reader across the planet 'it wasn't as good as the books'. Then 'New Moon' came around, and I was bombarded with uppity girls getting defensive over the mere mention of 'Why does he glitter?'. I suddenly saw thousands of groups pop up on my Facebook, made by girls talking about what they would do to Edward Cullen, or Jacob Whats-his-face for those on 'Team Jacob'. Then Eclipse showed up, selling out cinema's across the universe despite the fact that the CGI looked like it was drawn on with crayon and the acting was the equivilant of a visit to Madam Tuessauds.
So, the sequels are obviously the source of my pain and misery. The first thing that catches my glance is the fact they stamp 'The Twilight Saga' on every film to date. Now, I'm not sure about this but I thought Twilight was only the name of the first book? But now it's been stamped on every film just so we know that it is in fact part of a brand and that we must not forget what that brand is. It's gotten so irritating that Stephanie Meyers herself has taken to stamping 'Twilight Saga' on books she's written that aren't even based in the Twilight saga. My girlfriend has this book 'The Host' and under the cover art and title, in MASSIVE WRITING is 'FROM THE AUTHOR OF THE TWILIGHT SAGA'.
The worst bit is that blurb reads like a perverse sexual fantasy of a post pubescent girl.
The worst bit of news is that THE TWILIGHT SAGA'S 'Breaking Dawn' is to be split in to two films; not because Harry Potter did it, but because there are several powerful issues in the book that need to be addressed in ful- No, it's because Harry Potter did it. Yes, Potter paved the way for the biggest new Hollywood trend since Rebooting every damn thing in existence, splitting things in half so people pay TWICE. I don't care what any Twi-hard says, the decision to split THE TWILIGHT SAGA'S 'Breaking Dawn' in to two films was far too coincidental for my liking. And while we're on the Potter/TWILIGHT SAGA thing, can I just state how much Cedric Diggory looks like Edward Cullen?
The best thing is, the die hard fans inevitably do more harm than good. Not only do the rest of the world assume they're all in need of psychological help, but they cause actors like Robert Patterson to be typecast; because no matter what he does, all they will think of is Edward.
It's sort of like what I did to Chuck Norris.
Lastly, Avatar. Please, let me say that I don't dislike this film out of some huge desire to be different and an elitist twat. The fact is, Avatar is shallow, to the point where you can see the thought process behind James Cameron's imagining of Pandora. Let me explain:
1) The aliens: 'Ok, the Na'vi, they have to be different but the same, else when Jake Sully fucks one, people are going to be sick. Ok, so we'll make them blue, not green, green is too obvious. Right, cool, now, because the message in the film is harmony with the universe and shit, we must make them tree huggers. So they wear loads of hippy shit and ride animals. Cool, Oh, and they look like cats, I've always wanted to see a man fuck a cat' OK, so I added that last bit. 'Ok, so, every other animal must have six limbs instead of the normal 4, because they're aliens and have to be different man. I don't care if it means the Na'vi should logically have 6 limbs based off of the idea of evolution in a similar environment leads to similar evolutionary adaptation. 6 LIMBS! Oh, and have it so the Na'vi can stick their things in them. Oh baby!'
2) Pandora: 'Right, basically, I want everything to glow. Because that's pretty. Also, when it's night, I want loads of fucking fireflies, because they're pretty too. And I want floating rocks, because it's an alien world I can say it's some geological shit which makes Pandora even more beautiful. Oh, and waterfalls, LOADS OF WATERFALLS, running water implies FREEDOM, which is what the Na'vi are ,man, FREE. and colourful plants, coz it's pretty'
3) Unobtainium: 'IT'S AN ELEMENT THAT SHOULD NEVER BE OBTAINED!
4) The story: 'I don't give a shit just rip one off. Make it like Titanic, I love Oscars man, they're fucking cool!'
Of course, It's likely I'm wrong and the Avatar masses are right. And James Cameron is a genius and I'm just a cynical, pessimistic, joyless wanker who can't find happiness in anything he sees.
Doesn't mean I'm any less right though!
Well, more so horrible.
So what better mood to be in when talking about one of my favourite topics. Shit films that everyone loves!
To begin, Transformers. From the Michael Bay school of characterless shite that has about as much depth of a teaspoon of nothing. Transformers returns with its next, and hopefully last incarnation of machines that pride themselves in turning into vehicles. Because apparently, just being a humanoid machine with giant Gatling guns, heat seeking rockets and giant feet is overrated and needless. Of course, you could claim the 'robots in disguise' line, but lets be honest, in the last 2 films, they've done a generally poor job of being 'subtle'. Anyway, the teaser implies that the yanks sent Neil Armstrong to the moon, not to beat the Russians so they could go 'nerr nerr nerr Communism sucks' but rather to go to the dark side of the moon and inspect a massive alien wreckage. Which brings me to the first major complaint of the new Transformers film.
It's title.
So, because the (assumed) villain was found on the dark side of the moon, the screenwriters decided to go 'full retard' (presumably like the plot) and name the film 'Transformers 3: the Dark of the Moon'. It sound's like Pink Floyd but with part of their brain missing. In fact, Pink Floyd is likely the reason that it's cursed with such a wank name. Rather than simply pay the copyright costs, which would be roughly 0.00000000001% of the budget, they'd rather save a good few hundred dollars and make the title as intelligent as their audience. Like they care right? Because as long as they have Megan Fox they'll pay for anythi- Oh right.
Yeah, Megan Fox isn't in it. Yes, the female lead who had men everywhere cutting holes into their pockets and making concerning grunting noises in cinemas across the western world has backed out. After calling Michael Bay 'Hitler' and insulting the films by implying there is no acting talent (perish the thought), Megan left with Adolf Bay pissing and moaning. She's now been replaced by a woman who looks as if she's soiling herself in every publicity stunt. Then again that could just be because she's working with Shia LeBeoff.
Now I don't care if they spelt his name wrong because I don't care for SHEEAAA LEEEBUFFF. The fact is, he's an actor who built a name for himself by being the bitch in everyone's films. He was Will Smith's bitch in 'Irobot', he was Keanu Reeve's bitch in 'Constantine', he was Harrison's Ford's bitch/son hybrid in 'Indiana Jones and the Constant Flowing Teet of Money' and most recently he was Michael Douglas's bitch in 'Wall Street 2' . But the fact is Sheep LeBeef must have a dazzling personality because he attracted the attention of one Steven Spielberg, who has since made it his mission to get Shya LeCough to be the most famous Jewish man since Jesus himself. However, after establishing himself as an average actor in such (Spielberg produced) 'classics' like 'Disturbia' and 'Eagle Eye', he has since become living proof that you can not polish a turd.
Anyway, on to something else.
Now it's normally my tact to go into a full rant about such intellectual property like Twilight. But the fact is I haven't seen it. And apparently, on the internet when you make such judgements about something you haven't seen, you're a narrow minded imbecile. So instead I'll focus, for the shortest of time, on how these this film franchise is sold, and why I perceive it as shit, but not necessarily saying that it IS shit (even though it is. NO! my bad).
So, Twilight. I have to be honest now, the first Twilight didn't irritate me in the slightest. It came and went and I heard next to nothing other than it was 'good'; in the case of every pretentious book reader across the planet 'it wasn't as good as the books'. Then 'New Moon' came around, and I was bombarded with uppity girls getting defensive over the mere mention of 'Why does he glitter?'. I suddenly saw thousands of groups pop up on my Facebook, made by girls talking about what they would do to Edward Cullen, or Jacob Whats-his-face for those on 'Team Jacob'. Then Eclipse showed up, selling out cinema's across the universe despite the fact that the CGI looked like it was drawn on with crayon and the acting was the equivilant of a visit to Madam Tuessauds.
So, the sequels are obviously the source of my pain and misery. The first thing that catches my glance is the fact they stamp 'The Twilight Saga' on every film to date. Now, I'm not sure about this but I thought Twilight was only the name of the first book? But now it's been stamped on every film just so we know that it is in fact part of a brand and that we must not forget what that brand is. It's gotten so irritating that Stephanie Meyers herself has taken to stamping 'Twilight Saga' on books she's written that aren't even based in the Twilight saga. My girlfriend has this book 'The Host' and under the cover art and title, in MASSIVE WRITING is 'FROM THE AUTHOR OF THE TWILIGHT SAGA'.
The worst bit is that blurb reads like a perverse sexual fantasy of a post pubescent girl.
The worst bit of news is that THE TWILIGHT SAGA'S 'Breaking Dawn' is to be split in to two films; not because Harry Potter did it, but because there are several powerful issues in the book that need to be addressed in ful- No, it's because Harry Potter did it. Yes, Potter paved the way for the biggest new Hollywood trend since Rebooting every damn thing in existence, splitting things in half so people pay TWICE. I don't care what any Twi-hard says, the decision to split THE TWILIGHT SAGA'S 'Breaking Dawn' in to two films was far too coincidental for my liking. And while we're on the Potter/TWILIGHT SAGA thing, can I just state how much Cedric Diggory looks like Edward Cullen?
The best thing is, the die hard fans inevitably do more harm than good. Not only do the rest of the world assume they're all in need of psychological help, but they cause actors like Robert Patterson to be typecast; because no matter what he does, all they will think of is Edward.
It's sort of like what I did to Chuck Norris.
Lastly, Avatar. Please, let me say that I don't dislike this film out of some huge desire to be different and an elitist twat. The fact is, Avatar is shallow, to the point where you can see the thought process behind James Cameron's imagining of Pandora. Let me explain:
1) The aliens: 'Ok, the Na'vi, they have to be different but the same, else when Jake Sully fucks one, people are going to be sick. Ok, so we'll make them blue, not green, green is too obvious. Right, cool, now, because the message in the film is harmony with the universe and shit, we must make them tree huggers. So they wear loads of hippy shit and ride animals. Cool, Oh, and they look like cats, I've always wanted to see a man fuck a cat' OK, so I added that last bit. 'Ok, so, every other animal must have six limbs instead of the normal 4, because they're aliens and have to be different man. I don't care if it means the Na'vi should logically have 6 limbs based off of the idea of evolution in a similar environment leads to similar evolutionary adaptation. 6 LIMBS! Oh, and have it so the Na'vi can stick their things in them. Oh baby!'
2) Pandora: 'Right, basically, I want everything to glow. Because that's pretty. Also, when it's night, I want loads of fucking fireflies, because they're pretty too. And I want floating rocks, because it's an alien world I can say it's some geological shit which makes Pandora even more beautiful. Oh, and waterfalls, LOADS OF WATERFALLS, running water implies FREEDOM, which is what the Na'vi are ,man, FREE. and colourful plants, coz it's pretty'
3) Unobtainium: 'IT'S AN ELEMENT THAT SHOULD NEVER BE OBTAINED!
4) The story: 'I don't give a shit just rip one off. Make it like Titanic, I love Oscars man, they're fucking cool!'
Of course, It's likely I'm wrong and the Avatar masses are right. And James Cameron is a genius and I'm just a cynical, pessimistic, joyless wanker who can't find happiness in anything he sees.
Doesn't mean I'm any less right though!
Sunday, 9 January 2011
By the power of Asgard!
So, it's interesting to note that they are making a film about everyone's favourite God of Thunder, Thor. Granted, it's his Marvel incarnation and not the proper mythological variety, but the Viking sentiment is still present. Marvel Thor's exploits generally centralise between him and his half brother Loki (the God of Mischief) slap fighting until Thor inevitably wins because he isn't fuck ugly and has a much cooler power than 'Mischief'. Thrown into the mix is Thor's egocentric dad Odin (God of everything), Heimdall (The God of Light) and Kratos (God of W- NO! that's not right.
So why am I talking about a superhero based around Norse mythology? To anyone it sounds like the world's most expensive fan fiction. In truth, it's because Thor has come under attack by the ignorant white men across the planet! Why? Because Heimdall is black.
Yes, the god of light is black. OUTRAGEOUS! How dare they change Norse mythology to suit their own ends! The cads! Especially given how relevant Norse mythology is in today's standard affair of things. Also, because it is considered one of the big religions along with Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Stupid Idiotism and Scientology!
Basically, what my sarcasm implies is that this is absolutely ridiculous. In fact, it's worse than ridiculous, it's hypocritically ridiculous. These people are annoyed that the God of Light is depicted as Black, but not by the fact that Norse Mythology has been chronicled into a comic book form?
These people use such eloquent phrases such as 'Some things shouldn't be tampered with' and 'Oh you can't escape political correctness these days!'. The fact is, people believe that the Norse God's appear the way they do because that's how the Vikings perceived them. And the Vikings believe the Norse God's looked the way they did because like any stupid religious person for the time, they assumed that their Gods looked like them. And coincidently, there were no black Vikings.
Now, were there black Vikings, brown Vikings, Blue Vikings, Purple Vikings; chances are the Gods wouldn't be exclusively white. But people don't like to think outside of their comfort zone about such things, and would much rather assume that all Norse Gods were white, because fate dictates that it be so. And clearly this credible logic is so profound and accepted because Norse mythology is still so relevant today! It's not like Marvel made comics and films about Thor because the idea of a super powered Viking wielding a giant Hammer and Thunder was fucking cool.
On an unrelated note, I'm going to pen a new comic series based off the events of the Bible. But I'm going to draw Jesus as white and not Jewish.
So why am I talking about a superhero based around Norse mythology? To anyone it sounds like the world's most expensive fan fiction. In truth, it's because Thor has come under attack by the ignorant white men across the planet! Why? Because Heimdall is black.
Yes, the god of light is black. OUTRAGEOUS! How dare they change Norse mythology to suit their own ends! The cads! Especially given how relevant Norse mythology is in today's standard affair of things. Also, because it is considered one of the big religions along with Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Stupid Idiotism and Scientology!
Basically, what my sarcasm implies is that this is absolutely ridiculous. In fact, it's worse than ridiculous, it's hypocritically ridiculous. These people are annoyed that the God of Light is depicted as Black, but not by the fact that Norse Mythology has been chronicled into a comic book form?
These people use such eloquent phrases such as 'Some things shouldn't be tampered with' and 'Oh you can't escape political correctness these days!'. The fact is, people believe that the Norse God's appear the way they do because that's how the Vikings perceived them. And the Vikings believe the Norse God's looked the way they did because like any stupid religious person for the time, they assumed that their Gods looked like them. And coincidently, there were no black Vikings.
Now, were there black Vikings, brown Vikings, Blue Vikings, Purple Vikings; chances are the Gods wouldn't be exclusively white. But people don't like to think outside of their comfort zone about such things, and would much rather assume that all Norse Gods were white, because fate dictates that it be so. And clearly this credible logic is so profound and accepted because Norse mythology is still so relevant today! It's not like Marvel made comics and films about Thor because the idea of a super powered Viking wielding a giant Hammer and Thunder was fucking cool.
On an unrelated note, I'm going to pen a new comic series based off the events of the Bible. But I'm going to draw Jesus as white and not Jewish.
Saturday, 8 January 2011
The Art of tacking on Sequels and Prequels
Imagine every form of Media living in a metaphorical house. Books are of course, the Grandfather, going on and on, discussing many thousands of issues that can sometimes go on for a needlessly long time. Film, the father of the house is in the garden mowing the lawn while Radio, the mother is making dinner. Television, the irritating uncle who goes about vomiting reality TV every other step is in the lounge, pissed.
That leaves their children. Graphic novels and Blockbuster Video Games.
Graphic novels is the older brother, a young version of books made more colourful with the addition of pictures. Video games on the other hand is the gushing child, looking up at Daddy film and tries to emulate him in every way. Even when his dad has a horrible habit of pissing himself and falling over.
Where I'm trying to go with the metaphor (which has clearly outstayed it's welcome) is that blockbuster games need to stop copying films. Because blockbuster films are generally crap. Other than that, they have this horrible habit of tacking on sequels which generally ruin the entirety of the continuity established in the previous films, and therefore make everything seem like a parallel universe. Hell, at least Star trek was up front about it!
Of course, I have a few specific games in mind when thinking of this horrid act of ill thought out tacking. So fasten your seatbelts and get ready to enter a ranting shit storm. Incidently, it's full of spoilers, so when a spoiler is imminent. THIS will appear:
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
when the spoiler ends, this will be what you see:
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
So, to resume.
FIRST! on my agenda is Mass Effect 2, a game I adore and love; but at one point raised an eyebrow which MUST be addressed. Of course, what I'm talking about is-
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
...*cough* The Human-Reaper. As cool as it was to see that Shepard's interstellar nemesiseseseses find their way into Mass Effect 2, everything about the Human- Reaper is silly. Firstly, it was being designed as a Human shaped super space craft. Which would looking bloody hilarious flying through space wouldn't it? How would it fly? Like Superman? with one arm sticking out? Or would it favour the arms at the side of approach; therefore looking as if it's going to torpedo into the nearest planet. The reason the Human-Reaper is Human shaped, is because it's being made up of liquidised people; which is the straw that broke the continuity back. If you've played Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2, you'll notice that pretty much every reaper is shaped like a giant cuttlefish. So what? Was every civilisation before Mass Effect CUTTLEFISH!? it explains why they were so easy to wipe out...
But that's not the irritating thing ladies and gentleman. In Mass Effect 1 you mean Sovereign, a Cuttlefi- I MEAN REAPER! who tells you that organic life is a weakness BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M A BIG SCARY MACHINE! but then in Mass Effect 2 it turns out that reapers are half organic. So what? Was Sovereign just retarded or lying? He doesn't seem like the type.
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
For those of you who had to skip that section, you're idiots. Why haven't you played Mass Effect 2 yet?
MOVING RIGHT ALONG! and into prequel territory now.
Halo: Reach. Yes, Halo Reach. I love Halo, well, I love Halo and Halo 2. And maybe ODST. Halo: Reach is a massive irritating tacking on. And while I'm prone to sympathise with Bungie; who had to make a story that works next to a book (Fall of Reach), there's still no excuse for some of this blatantly awful tacking on of things.
You're Noble team, a bunch of generally characterless Spartan's who go from point A to point B several times, occasionally stopping to defend evac points. When the plot does kick in, which is about the 8th mission of 9, you are tasked with -
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
...Thank you. You are tasked with taking a valuable package to the pillar of autumn (the ship that plays great importance in Halo). Now,I appreciate Bungie wanted to make a game where you character inspires the Halo trilogy to unfold. It's a great concept. But the way it's done! Basically, the valuable package is a fragment of Cortana, filled with precious information. Which is fucking retarded, and clearly a loop hole designed to work around the fact Cortana accompanies Master Chief all through Reach's downfall; so she couldn't possibly be the package at the same time. Bungie found a way...
As you deliver the package, Captain Keyes tells you that your fallen comrades will never be forgotton. Then after you die, a narrator tells you that you will never be forgotten. But if you play ANY other Halo game, you will hear NO mention of Noble Team. They don't even show up on the remembrance memorial at the end of Halo 3. Remembered my ARSE. Noble Team you gullible bastards.
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
One more point I want to make about Reach before I leave it. How retarded is the military in that game? The very first mission is where you encounter the covenant. The aliens that are systematically going through every human colony and eradicating everything. But the human military doesn't send reinforcements then, no. They don't send reinforcements when a ship starts bombing an important base either, Nope. They don't send reinforcements when the Covenant has a full invasion force at the ready. Nope. NO! instead they send reinforcements once they're sure everything is fucked. Way to go. Apparently, it will take 2 days for a bulk of the forces to show up from when they're massively fucked. Coincidently, the time between the first mission and the mission where everything is entirely fucked, is roughly about two days.
BUHHHRRRRR.
Anyway, on to the worst offender of the lot. A game I hold with such contempt and hatred. A game that takes tacking to a whole other level of crap.
Bioshock 2
This game, in my opinion (and by 'in my opinion' I mean 'by fact') is crap, story-wise at least. Basically, the main antagonist of Bioshock 2 is a woman who loves to spend the entire game poking you with a stick made of 'shit dialogue'. She was also, apparently, a big player in the city of Rapture. Which makes sense considering she wasn't mentioned A SINGLE TIME in bioshock 1. However, I was put to shame when I found the audio logs of one Andrew Ryan stating how important she was in Raptures society. It was strange to note that his voice sounded different. Clearly I've breathed in too much ADAM.
The game also does something which everyone loved, cept me. Clearly I'm one of those none conformist dicks. But there's a section where you-
*****SPOILER! IT'S A SPOILER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*****
I'm getting sick of you! Seriously, there is no need to INTERUPT!
*****LOL*****
...anyway, there is a section where you get to play as a little sister. And you get to see Rapture how it was before it's famed downfall.
Would have been FANTASTIC if it didn't imply that Rapture was basically made of bed sheets and duvets.
*****IT'S GONE! SO THIS MISLEADING TEXT HAS YOU BELIEVE!*****
I guess the basic jist of it is, instead of running the risks of trying to please your fans, why don't you grow some balls and go into some new territory in the same Universe?
All Reach had to do was not tie Noble Team's story directly into the Halo trilogy. This means that the lack of mention of Noble Team ANYWHERE is entirely understandable. It also means they don't have to twist and warp their own damn fiction to make something work.
If Mass Effect was honestly conceived as a trilogy before the sale of the first game, why not just have Sovereign acknowledge the value of organic life instead of just being a massive cuttlefish wanker
And all Bioshock 2 had to do was establish new characters, instead of trying to hopelessly piggyback off of the first.
That and not have you play as a Big Daddy
That and not exist.
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